Blizzard!

Maryland got hit with quite a large amount of snow this weekend. I don't know what the final inch count was here, but it was about to my knees. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. It's pretty and all, but it meant I was trapped in the house for days. And now my back is killing me since I shoveled the driveway myself yesterday. I went all feminist on that snow, let me tell you. I was proud. But I also have a messed up back, so it is angry.

Anyway...

Trees in the back getting snowed on.


My car was almost completly buried!

The front yard before I started shoveling.


Once I started getting the car uncovered you could really see how much was piled up on top of it.


The yard once I started throwing driveway snow onto it.

I want you to

I thought about posting a nice Christmas song, but this is just more fitting of my current mood. I really love this song.

Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now. I get myself to a place where I'm feeling ok, confident and ready to face the world again, and then it all comes crashing down.

Like Saturday, John and I were just here doing stuff then watching TV together like we were two old friends who had never dated and all was just cool. Then I watched like 9 hours of Desperate Housewives and had chocolate covered cherries and cried a lot.

Then yesterday, on my way home, I was actually writing this poem in my head. It was totally incoherent, but see, my middle name is Diane, after Diana the huntress...well maybe that's not what mom planned but anyway, I just was going with that...and I was totally ready to kill some daemons. I went to physical therapy, then had two errands. I got home, got an email, and I was back down to nothing...or below nothing, not sure.

I'm quite tired of feeling unstable.

I am also really learning who my real friends are through all of this. And learning that I am quite alone.

There's been some crazyness the last few days that I really need to talk to Kat about because I don't know that anyone else will understand besides her. It's making me feel really unlike myself. But is it? I think only she can answer that question.

And now there's a new baby in the world (and I won the bet!) and let's just say I am not handling it well, even though I knew it was coming and was ok before.

the Holiday

This speech is one of the many reasons I love the movie The Holiday:



I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Post-Thanksgiving

I haven't been much for blogging, but since my last post, here's what's been going on:
John came back from Texas. On his birthday. I had a hard time doing nothing more than wishing him well with words. I really had to hold myself back from crying as we did not celebrate with pie and presents.

John officially moved out. This means my bed and all bedroom furniture is gone. He also took my cute shower curtain. We had many things we divided up, many that still need to be divided, but probably won't be until I pack. We had a sitcom like moment while taking apart the bed.

He just came over and used my computer and ate my ham. I kind of want my ham back.

Spent Thanksgiving with John's family. I feel this was the right decision for many reasons, but it was also very hard. As I knew it would be. If only his family weren't so wonderful. I could tell losing me was also hard on his parents, and that was sad.

Spent the rest of the weekend visiting my brother and sister-in-law. Very nice time doing mostly nothing. They fed me chocolates :) It was good to get away and be with family, even if there were cats who I'm pretty sure were plotting against me.

Met some hot guys last night. I may, at some point, have said something along the lines of "Well it'll be me and 3 guys. I don't think anyone else is invited." Note: one of them is a model.

When I dream

When I dream of Ireland, the flight attendants give you vouchers for a free meal, and the shuttle takes you to a very American looking, off the highway rest area type place, right in the middle of Dublin, where the only thing server is Arbys. But it's free, and Irish. And John is with me.

When I dream of moving on, it is with my best friend's brother and we have a daughter. My best friend does not have a brother.

When I dream of Caroline, she's 6, the flower girl in John's wedding (which I'm at) and she doesn't remember me.

It's been a bad week for dreams.

Holiday Spirit

Next week is Thanksgiving and normally about this time I would be all about the holidays. I usually have a great holiday spirit, even with all the stress. But I just can't find it this year. Not that this is surprising, it's just frustrating. I want to be happy and celebratory. But I'm just all anti-holiday. I just want to be with family and friends but also just see how wrong it is that John won't be there too.

Anyway, here's a few other random things to keep you updated on me.

My project is ending this week at work. This is bittersweet. I love this project and will be sad to see it go. But, of course seeing it complete, being finished, is always nice.

I have a phone interview for a job I will not like, but for a paycheck I will. So let's just hope all goes well.

I am trying to plan so I can move out in January, but some of that may depend on John's plans for the house and my budget.

I am coming up with a list of songs I cannot listen to. I hope this phase doesn't last long cause I like these songs.

I went out with a friend on Saturday night and had a blast. Yay for the bar! It was a quiet place and we just sat around talking, listening to music, but it was great to get out.

Of course, this made me really want to be out on a date/get hit on/whatever. The convo on facebook afterwards between strangers about how hot I am did make me feel nice, but these strangers are married. Where are the hot single guys who want to hang out? I think it's time for a rebound...date...or something... I can only hang out with married people so much before I lose it.

I did not send drunk text messages! Probably because I was not that drunk.

I did have a dream about a dog who died. It was depressing. But not as scary as men breaking into my house. So, the nightmares are improving? God that's messed up.

Embrace the Single Life?

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to embrace the single life. And maybe I do. Eventually. While I would rather just go straight into a new relationship, and continue on in happy suburbia bliss, I recognize that this is not the healthiest of decisions. So I'll get to that single life thing. But I'm just not there. Probably because I currently equate single life with negative things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun as a single gal. And I know that I will have fun again. I am not one of those "I need a man" type people. I didn't have a man for a long time and I was fine with that. Hell, I was the one who was never going to have a boyfriend/husband and was just going to adopt kids. But, my life with John was going in such a positive direction. Now I keep looking at how much my life is changing and I see it all as steps backwards instead of steps forwards. No, I don't have to have him by my side to be happy (I will eventually get over him), but losing all the things that go with him make this suck even more.

To some the single life means partying, meeting tons of new people, not being tied down by work or family, living alone, something along the lines of college life. Well, to me, going back to college life is a big step backwards. Yes, college was fun, but it's also over. And I am glad it's over. I am not going to party all the time. I still have to work and support myself. But, I am going to be poor for awhile, so I guess that will be like college.

I'm sorry, but I was happy having a house, and a yard, a garden, and furniture (though minimal), almost a dog. I like life in suburbia. I loved what my future held. And I was having fun. I had those vacations and nights out still. So no, giving all that up to live alone in some tiny apartment that I can barely afford, where I'm working all the time and having to reorganize my social life does not really sound like fun.

I want to embrace the idea of this opportunity-to try new things and meet new people-but I have to figure out how to deal with finding a new place and job first. I have to feel settled. I have to stop being upset about all that I am being forced to give up. Then I guess I will tackle the next step.

Changes

A few weeks ago I was looking for a new job, but otherwise, no significant things were being altered in my life. I was dealing with a lot of problems, but thought I could deal with them.

Now I'm minus a boyfriend (who I still care for deeply) and I'm looking for a new place to live in addition to a new job. And those other issues, still there.

How did all of this happen?!

In many ways, this break up is like a divorce. Only John and I get to figure things out on our own instead of going to court. We still have things that we've accumulated together, we have a house full of stuff to divide, we are going from one rent to two, and though I had the job, he was sort of the breadwinner.

So where does a break up leave us? In a divorce everything would have been split and he would have paid me alimony. Instead we just have uncertainty. He is trying to do what's best for him (emotionally and financially) and I'm just left holding onto broken pieces of my life.

The Winner Takes It All

In an attempt to feel better on my way home today, I put in Mama Mia. Well, that worked for a little bit. Then, this song came on. It has always made me cry and now it's even worse. But, at the same time, it felt really good to get it all out. I was given permission to let myself feel everything. I am not supposed to beat myself up for feeling depressed. So I cranked up the song and played it like 3 times. And as much as it depressed me, I felt so much better afterwards.

Then, everything was getting to me. There are a lot of lines in Mama Mia that really speak to me right now. It was kind of scary. I won't make the list now. You should just go watch it/listen to it.

And um, I have always had this crazy obsession with Meryl Streep. In my head, she's the perfect older sister or crazy aunt or something. I think she should probably come to my house and whip me back into shape.

Anyway.... love this song!

Melissa Rocks

I am supposed to make a list of reasons why I rock, as therapy. Apparently reminding yourself why you're awesome will help you move on after a break up. If it weren't for the fact that I never forgot these things while I was in a relationship, I might believe it. But, I'm willing to try anything.

Melissa rocks because:
~She is amazingly skilled with babies (and kids in general).
~She is a fantastic writer.
~She lived alone in the city of Baltimore for 1 year and did not get killed.
~She is the best sister you could ask for (um, the brothers had better agree).
~She makes many great food things including gooey butter cake, apple pie, and cheese manicotti.
~She is pretty 'cute' (felt weird saying hot...)
~She is highly educated.
~She writes/edits things so that others can learn.
~She can make chocolate cake shots.
~She has climbed a mountain.
~She can grow her own food (to a certain extent).
~She recycles.
~She can quote many scenes from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (this might just mean I'm a dork...)
~She knows just about all the words to Les Miserables, Phantom, and Rent.
~She bought her own car.
~She can build a campfire.
~She is a great listener.
~She is not afraid of power tools.


Feel free to boost my ego in comments!

Still Depressed

I've been writing in a journal again, since a lot of what I have to say right now I don't want to share online. So the blog is kind of lame. Sorry!

I never knew a break up could be this hard. I've had guys who made me cry but in the end I didn't love them, so the depression didn't last. I've had few friends who I've seen get their hearts broken. The one I was most deeply connected to was sad, but it never seemed this bad. But I was also on the other side that time, the helpful friend. Everyone assures me my feelings are normal, but when you feel so out of sorts, it's hard to believe. I keep hoping for one day where I feel a little bit more like myself. Or even just one hour where I'm not miserable. I've gone back to work and tried to keep myself busy, but I am still deep in the depression state.

This week's biggest problems:

A dream in which someone broke into the house. The alarm warned me it was happening. I heard him coming up the stairs. But I was in bed, paralyzed. I kept telling myself to get up, shut and lock and bedroom door, call 911. But I couldn't move. And of course, John no longer lived here in my dream, so there was no one to bash in the skull of the intruder. I woke up when he stepped in the doorway.

Obviously, I have some issues about being alone. I never wanted to be that girl who needed a man for protection. And chances are, I could do some damage on my own. But you get used to a certain sense of security when you always have someone there with you.

I haven't been able to sleep with the door completely shut (and therefore locked) since I feel locked up and alone when I do that. I guess if John wasn't just down the hall I'd have to live with that fear so I don't freak out about intruders. But yeah, it's pretty messed up.

The other issue is the lack of emotional comfort that I really need right now. Life was crazy enough before, with my medical issues and work stress/finding a new job. Plus worries about my family and how they're struggling. But John was always there to kiss me when I had a bad day or to just hold my hand while we watched TV. You really underestimate how much such simple things can help a situation. Having a partner who's always there and just wants you to be happy and loved.

So yesterday I had another injection into my tailbone. And it hurts like hell. So last night all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch bad TV, and have him rub my back and make me feel better. He watched some TV with me, but he can't touch me anymore. He can't give that same kind of comfort. And I really needed it last night.

What Now?

I have been back in Maryland since 10:30 and have asked myself "What now?" about a hundred times already. Some of the time the answer was simple. Unpack. Eat something. Get some water. Find a journal. But really, this is a big picture type question.

What on earth do I do now?

Some know, and some have guessed, but for those out there still clueless, here's the deal:

John broke up with me.

Exactly one week after our 3rd anniversary he comes to me, out of the blue, and breaks my heart. Yes, it's shocking. Even he admits that we were insanely happy. Just scroll down and read my happy anniversary posts (note I say, we couldn't be happier, and part of me still believes this was true.) Yet still, he's insisting that the entire thing is over, just like that.

His take: Melissa wants to eventually have a family, I can't see myself with kids, therefore we need to end this now before we invest anymore time or emotion. I still love her and don't want to lose her, but I have to give her up so we can both have the lives we're meant to have.

My take: John's freaking out because we're getting extreme pressure from friends and family about settling down and starting a family. And we're just not ready. He also is feeling a bit funky about life in the suburbs and wants to move to the city where we'll be closer to some friends, but he knows I don't want to. Instead of confronting the pressure together, or looking for a compromise about where we live, his response is to hit the panic button and run away. He's right, that the kids thing is a potential issue that we need to deal with, but I don't think he's given it enough thought to throw away a relationship that was 95% great.

That's the short version of the story, but I know that he's running away and I can't do anything about it. I'm completely devastated. I don't know how to forgive him for giving up on us.

This also really confuses my life. My entire life here in Maryland is the one John and I built together. He's my very best friend. Any other friend is our friend. My only family here is his family. Our hobbies are mostly things we do together, aside from my writing. That life no longer exists. So do I stay here or do I move somewhere else and start completely from scratch (yet again)?

The problem is I have to stay here right now. It's where my job is and for now I have to have that income. And I can't make any real life decisions when I'm so depressed. But eventually I will have to. Part of me wants to stay here, but I will have to find a new job because I can't afford not to. I probably can't go back to Missouri and just be with family because there's probably not a good editorial job to be found. So that basically leaves starting over, which scares the hell out of me. I did that coming to Maryland and I really did not ever want to have to do it again. I don't want to go to another strange city and have to meet all new friends.

We won't get into my other panics yet. There will be plenty to blog about, I'm sure.

But yeah, my heart is in pieces.

In St. Louis

Nuns come to visit for conferences and read Harry Potter on the plane.

I sit on the front porch waiting for my brother to get home from school. He thought I was the scarecrow and jumped when I said hi.

I wore my "I love boys who recycle" t-shirt to bed:
Harrison: I recycle so you must love me.
Me: Of course I love you.
H: Does John recycle?
Me: All the time.
H: Then you must really love him.

I woke up around 3am to a golden retriever paw in my butt.

The 15 year old would rather have a dog in his bed than a girl. Hooray!

I spent this morning being really depressed. Imagine me + couch + dog + tears. Oh, and of course all sorts of depressing thoughts.

I found that walking the dog was really good therapy. Though, Rocky is not very good on a leash since usually the boys just run with him. So he was not pleased when I made him walk. And he was really confused when I did not take him to the park (it started raining).

My 11 year old brother is on the road to being a poet! "Your eyes are like sunflowers... behind prairie grass." I told him I was stealing that and would share the royalties.

Mourning

I'm officially going to St. Louis this weekend so I can curl up in a ball on my mom's couch and mourn. Will be there on Thursday, leaving early Tues morning.

I did not want to leave work in the hands of others, but this had to be done for my own sanity.

I also made an appointment with a therapist. I feel ridiculous doing that, but I didn't know how else to cope.

I currently:
can't focus on work
can barely keep food down
can't stop crying
keep worrying about everything

I know my sad blog posts are confusing to those that don't know what's going on. I promise a good post explaining everything one of these days. This is just something that can't be shared for all eyes yet, so I can't post it here.

There are things....

There are things going on that I do not want to write about here. But I also need to really get them out. This is frustrating. Of course, I've been talking to some people about these issues, but so far I haven't been able to really say what I need to.

I would like to go to a therapist to sort some things out, but I can't afford to.

From my fortune cookie comes great advice: "You need to control of your emotions. Keep 'em under wraps!" (There's some grammatical issues here, but you get the point.)

I just got back from my first physical therapy appointment. Hopefully this will help my back some, though I admit, I have little faith. But, my therapist loves hiking and writes poetry. How funny is that?

Everyone's married and having babies and I'm young still and not ready. (and maybe won't ever be) But there's so much pressure. It makes life suck. Why can't people keep their mouths shut?!

The leaves here have started to change but it seems some are going straight from green to brown. I wonder if it's better in the mountains.

I wanted to be hiking this weekend, but I am not. I have no plans at all, so I don't know exactly why I won't be hiking/camping. The plans just never materialized.

Photo Shoot

My anniversary lilies had a photo shoot!

Seriously, every time I get flowers I take pictures of them. It's kind of nuts. I have a lot of pictures of lilies...

Holidays?!

The super cold this morning (uh, 47?!) made me realize the holidays are creeping up. And I really should be making plans so I'm not spending ridiculous amounts on plane tickets. So I've spent the day trying to figure out what the best plan is.

I've gone through it all:
Thanksgiving in STL- which would mean xmas with John's family and my first Christmas not at home. Though, we'd do xmas in STL that weekend or something, I'm sure. Probably go get a tree with the fam, which I haven't done in years (and really miss)

Christmas in STL-the usual, then we'd miss Caroline's first xmas

Have the family come here for one of those holidays-which probably means a fairly cranky boyfriend at some point in the week. He needs small doses of the family.

Yes, I went as far as looking up cabins in the Poconos, thinking the entire family might actually spend a holiday together. While I could probably afford this (since I'd be spending money on plane tickets and hotels anyway) my family probably can't afford to come here (5 is a lot of plane tickets) and the boys only have so much time off of school, so travel isn't always practical.

I don't know what the best idea is and for some reason I feel completely stressed out about it this year. But I guess John and I will have to figure it out soon.

3rd Anniversary

Yesterday marked 3 years for me and John! And we couldn't be happier :)

(Anyone remember me saying I was NOT going to fall in love and stay in Maryland?)

Anyway, we went out on Saturday to celebrate. We hung around the house most of the day, but the celebrations started in early afternoon. We planned to go to a show in Baltimore, so we found a winery north of the city, but not too far. Of course, I was all excited about it by the time we got on the road, but when we arrived, the gate was locked. We could not figure out how to get Melissa and the wine together. So we just left.

That gave us like 2 hours to kill before the show. But we had no tickets yet, so we went to the theater to get them. Of course, we got a little lost since the GPS was only capable of finding the road, not the specific address. But we found it after some crazy loops. Luckily the show was at a hotel, so there was a restaurant, where we had some drinks.

The show as at Toby's Dinner Theater. We'd been to the one in Columbia back when we were first dating (For Kiss Me Kate) but they were doing Sweeny Todd, and I was not in the mood for human pies on my anniversary. In Baltimore they were doing Aida, which is a great show. Of course, we were pleased to have a good meal and lovers who end up being buried in the sands of Egypt. Always a good time.

As is becoming customary here on the blog, that means a collection of photos from start to finish. (We turned off the computers last night so we could spend the night together, so I am a day late!)

Pretending to fight....way back in 06 (October, maybe?)



At the 3 month mark. There was a video that goes with this where our friend interviews us about the future. Funny stuff, but I don't have it.


Beaches in Connecticut can be cold and rainy. Visiting Brad and Jenny/meeting the family for the first time, April 07.


Classyness


We've been to a lot of weddings.


Recent shot, in Annapolis, Sept 09.


Necessary kissing shot.

I need a drink

John is having fun at a work happy hour right now.

I'm trying to not let myself log into my work server and starting editing this chapter.

Our TV is broken.

We have a leaking pipe.

I actually have to go to work tomorrow. I'm usually off on Fridays, though I've been so busy the last few weeks that I have worked about half a day from home. But tomorrow we're having a department lunch and another company meeting so I will be in the office.

I spent about half of my day dealing with photo issues at work...on both of the books I'm working on. And now I kind of want to hit one of my author's over the head with something. Not that I don't feel like that often with this guy, but you know... today was especially bad. The other book was going great until this issue came up.

It's also our anniversary on Tues, so we're celebrating this weekend. But you know who has no definitive plans? Yeah, that's me. I've been too busy to do much planning.

Oh well, after 2:00 tomorrow life will be good. I'm leaving work, getting a massage, swinging by the liquor store for part of John's gift, then kicking off a (hopefully) relaxing weekend.

Caroline

Caroline says "Go Terps!" and uh, she's trying to eat my face. And my phone.

Stuff

Went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday, then to Annapolis for dinner. It was a truly splendid day.

The National Book Festival (in D.C) is the weekend before our anniversary, and therefore the weekend we would have been celebrating. I must now decide if it's too torturous to make John do that or if we should celebrate the following weekend.

I'm conflicted about the festival. There are so many great author that are going to be there (including the fantastic Jodi Picoult!) but 1) I'll probably spend all time time in line for one book signing and miss all the talks or I'll listen to all talks and get no books signed (more likely) 2) I hate crowded things like this 3) I don't know who else would come with me and as I said, I don't want to force John, at least not to go without other male companionship.

Still no actual plans for the anniversary. Mom suggested sky-diving, but that is a big no. I kind of want to go sailing, but I also feel like just staying home.

There's a tree out back with red leaves!

Sons of Anarchy=good show. We watched the entire first season this weekend. Our brains are mushy from too much T.V., but I think they'll recover. It was worth it, after all.

I have 3 books in various stages of editing (freelance work) and I only like(maybe, it's early) one of them. This makes it hard to get things done. They aren't bad, necessarily (it's my job to make them worthwhile, after all) they're just not what I would prefer to read.

I feel like I've devoted all my free time in the evenings to editing and none to writing. That really needs to be fixed. Weekends have been full of life stuff (and yes, T.V. = life stuff in that it was Melissa and John together time) and I haven't gotten enough "work" done. Not actually a bad thing, really, just need to finish something.

Crabbing

Having not grown up in Maryland, I had never been crabbing. For the last two summers, I begged John to take me. I needed that experience (one he'd had many times). Well we would have gone last year in North Carolina, but I got sick and that never happened. So this year, we made it a plan. Of course, I still need to go crabbing in Maryland, but still...at least now I've done it. And loved it!

John and I bought some chicken necks and let them sit outside for a day. We found a great spot and were ready for a fun crab-filled evening. Then other people decided to join in, which was really nice. Of course, a wine festival (I know!) was going on in the park, so we had to venture off away from all the people (I cannot answer why i didn't first partake in the wine... now at least I know it's there for next year).

Anyway, we tied the chicken to some strings and threw them in the water. It wasn't long before we had crabs biting and they were being scooped up in our net. There were a lot of tiny crabs that we didn't keep. And then there was my Moby Dick. The giant crab that got onto my line and right as the net hit him, he let go, and somehow scurried away. I tried for the rest of the night to get him back, but had no success.




When the sun began to go down across the water, we packed up and headed home.


The crabs tried to organize an escape.


Ian was worried about these little worms that were all over the crabs, so he had to wash them. Here's where we found a few dead guys that we had to throw out.


Hi little crab, I'm going to eat you!


John was proud of his loot. And very glad he finally made his lady happy by teaching her to catch crabs... (wow that sounds awful!)


Mike helped us season with Old Bay.


They're ready for steaming!


Too hot to eat at first...


We only got about 4 crabs each, but they were so very satisfying.

Beer Post!

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale... I think I like it.

That is all.

Outer Banks Summary

Ok, let's see what's to be said of vacation this year (only a week after our return).

We again went with (mostly) people John went to college with. Mike and Marissa plan it every year, so we let them! We had one new couple this year and Dale had a new girl with him, but otherwise we all knew each other.

We went down to John's parents on Sat night to stay. Since most of the gang lives in Southern Maryland we all met down there, so it made more sense to drive down sat then to add 2 hour to the tip Sun morning.

We stayed in a great house this year (one we may return to in the future). John and I had our own bathroom, which was nice, as well as our own door that led to the deck. The house had a pool and a hot tub too, which was great when we couldn't swim in the ocean.





We spent a lot of time on the 4x4 beach, since many of the guys like driving on the sand, and it's usually less crowded. Because of Hurricane Bill (beginning of the week) and Danny (the end) there were a few days when we weren't supposed to swim in the water. This wasn't really too terrible for me, since I don't usually swim much in the ocean. I often get in deep enough that the waves won't kill me and I can cool off. (I did actually do a bunch of wave hopping one day.)



One day we saw a bunch of dolphins. At one point there were probably close to a dozen. Some were even jumping pretty high out of the water. It's pretty impossible to get a picture of them, but I swear, there're right under the surface in this one. I did take a video to prove their existence.



Other than sitting on the beach soaking in the rays (I have a crazy great tan!) we sat by the pool, drank beer, hung out at the house... you know, stuff.



We also ventured away from the house for a few activities. I came in 3rd (of 4) in mini golf. I started out so well, making par (2) on like the first 4 holes. Then it just went downhill. But I didn't do as bad as I usually do. And really, no one was spectacular.

One night, a group of us went go-karting. Actually, I did not, I watched, but still. It was really entertaining. Especially the last round, where the workers got in car and everyone was ramming one another. We were the last people there before close, so they let us have fun. It was pretty sweet for all.



On our last night, people played poker. I was in charge of shuffling. And I did some bar-tending. I did not put on my bikini and act like a Vegas waitress though.


I was determined to find some North Carolina wines in order to knock that of my list of states. The first place we went to had a tasting, but it was just the guy's selections of the day, nothing from NC. I did buy 3 bottles at that shop though. The second place we went, I tasted a few great NC wines, and bought 1 bottle.



The only 3 negatives:

We did an all-you-cat eat buffet, which was disastrous. I don't like buffets to start out. I just don't like having to get up and down and the food isn't always great. Well, we waited for like 2 hours for a table, that's where the bad started. Now, there were 13 of us, but we called ahead to see if that would be a problem and were told to give them 30 mins noticed, so we did. Still waited 2 hours.

Then, we were crammed at a table meant for 8-10ppl, max. And the food wasn't spectacular. The crab legs were good, which is what most people wanted.

The woman from the new couple was also the most annoying person ever. I had to leave the room a few times when she was in it, to keep from pulling my hair out. But really, with 13 ppl, if one is annoying, that's not bad. And it's easy to avoid her.

On Friday, a 12-yr-old boy went missing while body boarding, right from the beach in front of our house. We figured something was up when we saw a coast guard chopper patrolling. Then there was a guy on a jet ski, a coast guard boat, and a few lifeguards on ATVs, obviously not just the regular patrol. They found his body a few days later-super sad.

We also went crabbing! More on that in my next post.

So yeah, the week went by super fast, but it was so fantastic. I was really to the point of needing a vacation and this one was very relaxing. Though the discussions about buying a beach house really just made me want to move to NC and be close all the time. There has to be a publishing company somewhere down there, right? (Yeah, if only John could have as great a job there...)

Should I Just Find a New Country?

Dear Americans that do not want Obama talking to their children,

I recently discovered that you are in an uproar over the very idea of President Obama (note, I said president...not Hitler) speaking to your school-aged children. This, in my opinion, is completely ridiculous thing to be up in arms about.

First of all, I want to clarify that President Obama has a very important message for your child, and he is not trying to hide it. He wants to tell them that education is important. That they need to study hard and not complain about learning. To me, these are things children should hear on a daily basis from you. But we all know children sometimes block out such things. So maybe hearing it from someone else will do some good. Especially the President. Remember the days where every kid wanted to grow up to be the President of the United States? It was a high ambition. Perhaps you should be telling them again that it is something to strive for instead of shutting out the very idea of such a man talking to them.

Second of all, have a little faith in the teachers and principals who take care of your children (and their education) on a daily basis. They are not trying to brainwash your kid. If they decide a presidential address is worth spending class time on, then watch them.

You would not have an issue with a child watching a recording of JFK speak about (choose topic at random) in a history class because that's educational. You would trust the teacher to not pick a speech about something inappropriate but instead about something actually important to a well-rounded education. So why do you not trust them to show a speech, meant directly for your children, about the very education that they are there to receive?

Now, I have heard that some people are only upset because they merely want "the option." You want to be able to choose whether or not your child sees this Presidential speech. You don't want to be told "your child must watch this."

In one sense, I appreciate this idea. I don't want the government telling me what to do either. However, I think this is blowing things out of proportion. The government isn't mandating that every child in the country watch this speech or else they'll be hanged. It's simply happening.

Schools, however, are saying children will watch the speech in class. How is this different from a teacher saying a kid must read Romeo and Juliet or must complete x number of science experiments? That's what schools do. They teach and they give students things to do to further their education. Listening to a president speak fits in there, I think.

Of course there are some things that must be regulated. A 13-year-old cannot be forced to watch a rated-R movie for school. They aren't old enough. But this is not a rated-R film. It's a simple message about being the best person you can be.

I don't want to generalize, but I feel many of you are conservatives who for some reason have decided that since Obama is on the opposite side of the political spectrum, everything he has to say is dangerous.

Well, I was on the complete opposite spectrum as Bush, yet, if he wanted to come sit down with my child (even in person) and tell them that education was important, I would welcome it with open arms.

No, I don't want Bush sitting down with my child and talking about gay marriage, but that's not what he asked me to do. He just wants to talk about education. Obama isn't asking to talk to your child about controversial topics. He won't bring up healthcare or the war. He just wants to say "stay in school."

Perhaps if we were brave enough to let our children listen to our President's words directly from his mouth (rather than clips on a biased news program) they'd have a much better understanding of what he believes.

I hope to post about vacation this weekend, but for now a quick something.

I've been swamped at work. But I'm officially moving to the Adult Ed department and have taken over as content lead on my two books. So it's a good busy. Things are delayed but none of it was my fault, so it just meant I didn't need to stay late.

I get really annoyed when I give someone a task that would take me X about of time and they take twice as long. But I shouldn't get annoyed because there's actually no time for me to do it myself, so it's good it's in someone else's court.

Back to school means back to super awful traffic. Seriously, it's been a nightmare. I just have no patience for stop-and-go. Especially when I see people rubber-necking over a fender-bender. It's just not that excited people! Or when people are not courteous. When a long line of cars is trying to merge into stop-and-go traffic, each car lets in one car, then life is happy. Also, if your lane is ending, do not speed up, drive along the shoulder, then cut off multiple people in order to get as far as you possibly can. Just wait your turn and merge politely. Seriously, my week traffic-wise has been unpleasant. 1.5 hours to get home last night. Thank god I'm at home today.

My garden became a jungle while we were on vacation. I was worried it wouldn't rain enough and something would die (well, a lily did, but it was already on its way out). The backyard garden is nuts. I need to get back there and trim some stuff. If you want a pepper plant, strawberry plant, or basil/oregano, please come take some. I think everyone is going to get dried herbs for Christmas :)

While on vacation a group of us had a discussion about a woman's cycle. (turn away now if you don't want to hear this) Some complaining was done about changes (apparently every 5 (or was it 8?) years you change and new symptoms come and go. For example, you may have never had cramps before, then suddenly you hit 30 and you have them. I appear to have inherited period headaches with turning 25. (along with caffeine and thunderstorm headaches-though I've had those before. I should get my head checked).

Note, this was in a conversation about getting pregnant. Who will be the first in our Outer Banks family to get pregnant? John and I were not voted as number one, I'm too young! haha.

I've been posting random things to my new Wine Blog. I don't know what I want this to be yet. I don't want to seem to be on the Julie and Julia bandwagon too much, but I would like this to be a book of some kind. My life around the wines is not too exciting and I have no 365 day goal. So I was thinking of just writing microfiction around each wine, though so far I have not been inspired. And that brings about the issue of-do I post the pieces on the blog or just collect them for a book. And, do I want it to be about the same character (road tripping?) or will each state/wine have a new character?

I read two books on vacation. The Glassblower of Murano and The Lost Hours. I recommend both.

Also, our 3rd anniversary is fast approaching. I need to come up with something fun to do (though we will likely just end up going out to dinner) and a good gift. I feel way behind as these are usually August tasks-Sept has always been too full of school. But I guess I have the time.

Post Vacation Blues

I'm currently in that sad state that comes when you return from a spectacular vacation. I'm home safe and sound, I'm sort of unpacked and caught up with the internet world, and facing work tomorrow. John and I have spent a lot of time decompressing but that just leads to sadness as there is no beach within walking distance any more.

It was a great trip, more details to come later, but here's a bit of a tease. The Sound, at sunset.

North Carolina Here We Come!

Agenda: Sat-Kohls, drive to "in-laws", pick up diploma (which was being framed), play with Caroline, sleep, Sun-head to Mike's, pack up the trucks, jump on the highway and head south.

So yeah, it's vacation time! As we've done the last two years, we're going to the Outer Banks, NC. There's currently a high surf advisory (thanks Hurricane Bill!) but it should be over by tomorrow night. Here's hoping for lots of sun, beer, and shenanigans. (and no trips to the E.R.)

Depressed

This may get way to personal and be deleted tomorrow when I actually realize that...but I'm feeling blah.

My dysfunctional family is wearing me down. Somehow, from miles away they still get to me. Mainly, life is wearing my mom down and said dysfunctional family is so dysfunctional that she has no support. She pretty much has me, who's across the country, and her best friend, who has a baby and is in grad school. Which doesn't leave a whole lot of love for the mom. And it's just really depressing. Because there's really nothing I can do.

There was a fire at home recently. Everyone was fine, even the dog, but the stove was ruined. It was engulfed in flames one morning. It wasn't even on, it just went wild. The firemen threw it on the back patio, actually. Aside from the microwave, though, nothing else was damaged. It was lucky that the house wasn't at all burnt. But the house was a mess. Mom's health was wonky due to smoke. Smoke also filled the entire house, so the air ducts had to be cleaned. And there was toxic ash got blown like everywhere since the AC had been on, so my family couldn't live there for a week and a half until it was appropriately cleaned.

And none of my family have been there to help.

Some have their opinions, though. Like, they criticize mom since she hasn't bought a new stove yet. I don't know, I wouldn't be buying a new stove is my kitchen was still covered in ash.

Due to their own problems, of course. All of which I am somehow in the middle of, even when I try not to be.

I just got this in an email:
"You have always been opinionated, and while I commend most of them, you have become quite bitter and judgemental toward many things and perhaps being so far away allows you to keep that emotional distance from us all."

Which may be partially true. I am insanely opinionated and I don't think a lot of my family realized this until the last few years, when I grew up and left home, and finally wasn't scared of their approval. So sometimes, when I speak out, I think they're still surprised. I think I probably am bitter to some extent, but to say I have an emotional distance is ridiculous, since all of this drama eats me up constantly. Eh, way to complicated to dissect these remarks.

I forgot

Yesterday I forgot a few things that were annoying me... and still are.

Healthcare reform. Mainly those opposed to it. I decided today that "Republicans should listen to NPR instead of Fox news. The world would be a happier place." I can't begin to say how annoyed I am with this entire situation. I finally figured out my superhero power though, I would like to have the power to kick people out of the country.

NPR's odd necessity to tell me the weather forecast every 10 minutes. In my 1 hour commute I get a weather updates. Totally not necessary.

There was something else but I forgot it again. In new annoyances:

I wrote my aunt an email. My aunt did something like "Mom, Melissa was mean to me." So my grandmother wrote me and email that basically said "Please don't talk to your aunt until you get facts from me first." My aunt pissed me off, I told her she pissed me off. Really not sure why I have to run that past my grandma first. My family is ridiculously childish.

Clients going on vacation. 3 files I was scheduled to receive next week and could have gotten done before I left on vacation are now coming the next week. Well the next week I will be gone and the files will therefore have to be late...the question is how late, since I will have other work ready for me when I get back.

I would really like it if my two best friends were in the country right now. A non-bloggable issue has come up and I need to talk! But one's in Israel and one's in Japan. Why?!

Annoyed

I was really annoyed earlier. I feel better now, after my work out, but still.

Grr to people bitching and being sneaky and annoying (long story)
to it being hot
to fruit flies
to pages that are 400 words too long
to Word 2007 and its non-compatible files
to people putting things in 4 docs instead of 1
to those nagging thoughts about wedding dresses
to back pain

I think I let it all get to me at once.

Anyways, I finished Julie and Julia last night. Although I'm not a foodie, I did enjoy this book. It's pretty cute and I could actually picture me and John if I tried such a project. ha! Anyway, there's a lot in it about food, obviously, and sometimes I was kind of "yawn" about that, I'll admit. But the concept of the Project as well as getting into the lives of these characters was fun and entertaining.

I'm still thinking I should wait to see the movie though. I imagine both will be their own thing, but I can't just jump right from one to another.

I've had a hard time figuring out what to read next. I have a pile of books (yay gift cards!) but I keep going "oh, save that for vacation." Not that I'll ever get through the now large vacation pile in one week, but still, I keep doing it. I think I'm going to read Firefly Lane.

In other book news, I discovered something I would probably find interesting, Offbeat Bride. (Don't get any ideas, there are no plans for a wedding around here.) I figure I won't probably be a bride, but if I were, I'm sure things would not be ordinary. And I like when others don't follow the norm either, so this would probably at least entertain me, if not give me unnecessary ideas for my fictional dream wedding.

In other news, John was 5 years old the other day with a new Nerf dart gun. He shot me with it and I was not pleased. It now resides at work, where John and his boss (who has his own gun) somehow get work done whist fighting a Nerf war.

Tomato Basil Soup

What else do you do when your basil plants have grown at exuberant rates but keep on cooking?

Tomatoes simmering on the stove.


Basil ready to go in.


Mmm soup.

Nothing to say

I haven't posted in days because I haven't had anything to say. This is odd to me. So I'm just going to throw a few things out there.

We have our first little peppers finally. They're about the size of my fingernail, but they actually are peppers and not just buds anymore.

I have to do some rearranging in the garden which includes getting rid of some pepper plants, probably going to the in laws (unless you want one!). John made me plant carrots and zucchini and now it's just crowded down there. We still have a strawberry plant in a pot! It's getting wild back there.

I'm currently editing a college text called "Marriage and Family." This sometimes makes me laugh because, well you know how I feel about marriage. But really, I really enjoy this project. Today I got to write a short fictional piece about "hooking up" since the writer didn't include it as she was told.

This particular chapter also talked about When Harry Met Sally and the whole "can men and women be friends" debate. This always spurs interesting conversation. Of course, I think it's totally possible. But it did make me think about an old friend, where sexual attraction did get in the way. So it really depends on the people, I guess.

I made red pepper pesto with the basil from the garden and it was spectacular, especially on roasted red pepper triscuits.

I have been slacking on reading lately, but finally finished "The River Wife." This took place in Missouri, along the Mississippi, so I thought it'd be interesting. But it was really hard to get into. A lot of fun plot stuff happened, but something was off with it. That's probably why it took me so long to finish.

Now I'm reading Julie and Julia. Awhile back I wanted to see the movie since I adore Meryl Streep. Now, I may wait until DVD, just to check it out. The book is actually pretty good so far, but I'm not sure I'll be ready for the movie when I'm finished. I think it'll take away the greatness of the book. They should be separate.

I guess that's why John and I haven't been to the movies much. The two I wanted to see: Harry Potter and My Sister's Keeper, are both books, and I just haven't been motivated to go to this other media yet.

Yes, see, nothing going on in my life...

Crabs!

Yesterday we went over to Kathy and Saureen's for a crab feast!

We got their early since they needed a truck for the table and chairs they retned. That turned into an ordeal, complete with people who were creepy and unhelpful. The boys will never be the same.

As you can see, we love us some crabs!

Saureen and Sameet seasoning the crabs.


Steaming away. "How do you know they're ready?" "When they turn red, you eat."


PJ was not pleased with Victor pounding the heck out of the crab.


Some crabs decided to retain their water.


Craving crabs!

Garden Construction

So you would have thought that after our strenuous hiking on Saturday we would be exhausted on Sunday. But, since we didn't get our Sun morning hike in, as we expected, we had some built-up energy. So when we got home, John suggested we continue work in the yard... aka garden construction. So, we headed to home depot and got to work.

Another trip to home depot and who knows how many hours later, we had a garden. We had 8 foot pieces of wood, so there was some cutting involved (hurray for fancy sawing devices handled by the man because sometimes I do act like a girl). We also had some hard work with the screws that hold all the wood together (boo for not having the right parts to the drill).

We were both sore (from hiking and construction together) by the end of the night, but it was worth it. Too bad it's so late in the season and I can't plant everything I want to plant.

Garden pre-planting.


Pepper plants in their new home


Mutant cilantro...seriously, it's about three times the size it was 10 days ago.


Strawberries, finally with baby fruit. Here's hoping nothing eats them before we do.


My first lily.