Still Depressed

I've been writing in a journal again, since a lot of what I have to say right now I don't want to share online. So the blog is kind of lame. Sorry!

I never knew a break up could be this hard. I've had guys who made me cry but in the end I didn't love them, so the depression didn't last. I've had few friends who I've seen get their hearts broken. The one I was most deeply connected to was sad, but it never seemed this bad. But I was also on the other side that time, the helpful friend. Everyone assures me my feelings are normal, but when you feel so out of sorts, it's hard to believe. I keep hoping for one day where I feel a little bit more like myself. Or even just one hour where I'm not miserable. I've gone back to work and tried to keep myself busy, but I am still deep in the depression state.

This week's biggest problems:

A dream in which someone broke into the house. The alarm warned me it was happening. I heard him coming up the stairs. But I was in bed, paralyzed. I kept telling myself to get up, shut and lock and bedroom door, call 911. But I couldn't move. And of course, John no longer lived here in my dream, so there was no one to bash in the skull of the intruder. I woke up when he stepped in the doorway.

Obviously, I have some issues about being alone. I never wanted to be that girl who needed a man for protection. And chances are, I could do some damage on my own. But you get used to a certain sense of security when you always have someone there with you.

I haven't been able to sleep with the door completely shut (and therefore locked) since I feel locked up and alone when I do that. I guess if John wasn't just down the hall I'd have to live with that fear so I don't freak out about intruders. But yeah, it's pretty messed up.

The other issue is the lack of emotional comfort that I really need right now. Life was crazy enough before, with my medical issues and work stress/finding a new job. Plus worries about my family and how they're struggling. But John was always there to kiss me when I had a bad day or to just hold my hand while we watched TV. You really underestimate how much such simple things can help a situation. Having a partner who's always there and just wants you to be happy and loved.

So yesterday I had another injection into my tailbone. And it hurts like hell. So last night all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch bad TV, and have him rub my back and make me feel better. He watched some TV with me, but he can't touch me anymore. He can't give that same kind of comfort. And I really needed it last night.

What Now?

I have been back in Maryland since 10:30 and have asked myself "What now?" about a hundred times already. Some of the time the answer was simple. Unpack. Eat something. Get some water. Find a journal. But really, this is a big picture type question.

What on earth do I do now?

Some know, and some have guessed, but for those out there still clueless, here's the deal:

John broke up with me.

Exactly one week after our 3rd anniversary he comes to me, out of the blue, and breaks my heart. Yes, it's shocking. Even he admits that we were insanely happy. Just scroll down and read my happy anniversary posts (note I say, we couldn't be happier, and part of me still believes this was true.) Yet still, he's insisting that the entire thing is over, just like that.

His take: Melissa wants to eventually have a family, I can't see myself with kids, therefore we need to end this now before we invest anymore time or emotion. I still love her and don't want to lose her, but I have to give her up so we can both have the lives we're meant to have.

My take: John's freaking out because we're getting extreme pressure from friends and family about settling down and starting a family. And we're just not ready. He also is feeling a bit funky about life in the suburbs and wants to move to the city where we'll be closer to some friends, but he knows I don't want to. Instead of confronting the pressure together, or looking for a compromise about where we live, his response is to hit the panic button and run away. He's right, that the kids thing is a potential issue that we need to deal with, but I don't think he's given it enough thought to throw away a relationship that was 95% great.

That's the short version of the story, but I know that he's running away and I can't do anything about it. I'm completely devastated. I don't know how to forgive him for giving up on us.

This also really confuses my life. My entire life here in Maryland is the one John and I built together. He's my very best friend. Any other friend is our friend. My only family here is his family. Our hobbies are mostly things we do together, aside from my writing. That life no longer exists. So do I stay here or do I move somewhere else and start completely from scratch (yet again)?

The problem is I have to stay here right now. It's where my job is and for now I have to have that income. And I can't make any real life decisions when I'm so depressed. But eventually I will have to. Part of me wants to stay here, but I will have to find a new job because I can't afford not to. I probably can't go back to Missouri and just be with family because there's probably not a good editorial job to be found. So that basically leaves starting over, which scares the hell out of me. I did that coming to Maryland and I really did not ever want to have to do it again. I don't want to go to another strange city and have to meet all new friends.

We won't get into my other panics yet. There will be plenty to blog about, I'm sure.

But yeah, my heart is in pieces.