Still Depressed

I've been writing in a journal again, since a lot of what I have to say right now I don't want to share online. So the blog is kind of lame. Sorry!

I never knew a break up could be this hard. I've had guys who made me cry but in the end I didn't love them, so the depression didn't last. I've had few friends who I've seen get their hearts broken. The one I was most deeply connected to was sad, but it never seemed this bad. But I was also on the other side that time, the helpful friend. Everyone assures me my feelings are normal, but when you feel so out of sorts, it's hard to believe. I keep hoping for one day where I feel a little bit more like myself. Or even just one hour where I'm not miserable. I've gone back to work and tried to keep myself busy, but I am still deep in the depression state.

This week's biggest problems:

A dream in which someone broke into the house. The alarm warned me it was happening. I heard him coming up the stairs. But I was in bed, paralyzed. I kept telling myself to get up, shut and lock and bedroom door, call 911. But I couldn't move. And of course, John no longer lived here in my dream, so there was no one to bash in the skull of the intruder. I woke up when he stepped in the doorway.

Obviously, I have some issues about being alone. I never wanted to be that girl who needed a man for protection. And chances are, I could do some damage on my own. But you get used to a certain sense of security when you always have someone there with you.

I haven't been able to sleep with the door completely shut (and therefore locked) since I feel locked up and alone when I do that. I guess if John wasn't just down the hall I'd have to live with that fear so I don't freak out about intruders. But yeah, it's pretty messed up.

The other issue is the lack of emotional comfort that I really need right now. Life was crazy enough before, with my medical issues and work stress/finding a new job. Plus worries about my family and how they're struggling. But John was always there to kiss me when I had a bad day or to just hold my hand while we watched TV. You really underestimate how much such simple things can help a situation. Having a partner who's always there and just wants you to be happy and loved.

So yesterday I had another injection into my tailbone. And it hurts like hell. So last night all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch bad TV, and have him rub my back and make me feel better. He watched some TV with me, but he can't touch me anymore. He can't give that same kind of comfort. And I really needed it last night.