I feel like I've lost a part of myself this past year. Ok, I've lost a lot in the last year. And I need to remember who I am. But the point is I have barely been blooging and have next next to zero creative writing. I have spurts where I decide to start up again but I just haven't been moved. Hopefully this is not just a spurt and I actually get that part of me back.
Now last week I was pondering signs and omens trying to figure out what the universe was trying to tell me about my life. I am sure I over thought some things, but here is a little ramble for you all. *Names changed cause this may go into my vignette "break-up" book...if I get to writing it. Obviously these are nowhere near finished.
I would be lying if I said it wasn't my idea to go camping that weekend. It'd been on the calendar for a month as a good time to go. The leaves would be changing in the forested mountains and the night air would have that orgasmic chill that I've come to welcome. Then when Jack invited us to camp with him it seemed like a no brainer. After-all, we'd be less likely to get eaten by a bear, all the ones trying to store up for the winter, if Jack and his knife were with us on the mountaintop.
Then, I tried to make a reservation. Just 10 minutes before Tim got to my house that night I sat in front of the computer staring at the words "Site not available...check for next available date?" Should I have taken that as a sign? In hindsight, I can be thankful to whatever supreme being stopped me from paying for a campsite. Forking over money for a trip that will no longer be taken would have made the loss of that trip even more difficult.
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I finally made him say it. "I was selfish. I let myself have you again but it's not going to last." It was a second ending, one I saw coming this time, but still just as painful. That same night his great grandmother died. When the man you love walks away your heart tries to take over. It tells you he'll come back because love is stronger that his stubbornness. But death. Is. Final. And you know now that this time it's forever.
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In other non creative sign/creepiness news, there was a guy I went on a few dates with when I first moved to Alexandria. I don't think I gave him a fair shot because of my wild ride with John. After not seeing him all summer, he wrote me an email the week of "break-up" #2.
