Some days ya gotta dance

After wanting to go dancing all week, I did. Yay dancing!

Sex and the City

Remember way back before when I wasn't depressed and used to rant a lot about marriage and weddings? Yeah, I got something to say again!

So it's been stewing in me all week. Last Friday I had a nice evening alone so I decided to sit back and relax with a movie. Sex and the City was on sale, I hadn't seen it, and really, it seemed like the thing to do. It made me mad!

I guess it doesn't help that I never liked Carrie to begin with. Still, the show is good. I don't know why, girlfriends talking about sex all the time is fun. Ok, so Carrie and Big finally decide to get married. This should be good right? No! Carrie decides she needs to get married because she and Big decide to move in together. She then proceeds to freak out and get scared about things like "what will happen if he becomes a douche bag and leaves me, and I've given up my apartment and end up stranded?" They've been together 10 years, are perfectly happy, and she starts to freak out. And apparently marriage is the answer. Because then, she'll at least not end up screwed.

Now, I understand there are fears. I just had to give up my house and had to find a new place to live and go through a lot of those awful break up things. And I didn't have a piece of paper to protect me. And yes, I happen to have a great ex who didn't try to screw me over, so I wasn't out on the street as Carrie feared. So maybe I just don't get it. But seriously...if you're so much in love that you're moving in together and are committing to forever, then stop being so scared that the guy is going to screw you over and just be happy! Yes, don't be stupid. Always have enough money to take care of yourself (hell, he could die to ya know) and all that, but marriage is not the answer. Not when you're doing it to protect yourself in case of a break up.

THEN! Then Carrie completely freaks out and the wedding goes from a nice normal wedding to this crazy New York fashion nightmare. And Big freaks out. Because the whole thing is not him, not her, and not them as a couple. Yeah, guys don't always get as into the wedding as the girl. So sometimes they get lost in the shuffle. But I like to believe this can be avoided. No, if he doesn't care about flowers, I'm not gonna make him care. I'm going to pick the ones I like. But if we agreed to 75 guests, I'm not going to suddenly have 200 and not give a damn about my husband's feelings. And Big, he has a point really...a reason to freak out. He doesn't feel like Carrie is acting like herself. She's this other person, not the person he loves. So, I'm not happy that he goes and leaves her at the alter (basically) he could have brought up the problem earlier, but I don't blame him for being upset.

So yeah, I had a hard time watching the movie and feeling bad for Carrie being all "broken-hearted".

And it just made me realize some things. I've been crazy lately-thinking that when I do get into a new relationship that I do want to get married. Because I am scared of getting hurt again. But duh, that's not gonna solve anything! And I'm glad I am looking at things this way again, because it's so much more me, and not crazy me.

And, I don't think there's any reason not to get married if you're really in love. I still may do that. But I want to stand by my feelings on weddings. It should be about you and your partner, not this elaborate show where the love gets lost in details like finding the perfect ribbon or in how much the salmon costs.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I just took some good pain killers since I had a needle stuck in my spine earlier. I'm loopy!

Writing

I have been seriously neglecting my writing for the past few months. I think near mental breakdowns give me good reason, but still. I feel bad. I was going to get so much done this winter! John and I talked a lot about my writing today and I guess that really made me realize that I need to do something. I'm not sure I am ready for writing itself yet. My emotions just aren't in the right place-I'm not the writer who writes every day or as things are happening. I need to really be in a certain state of mind. Plus, I don't know what to work on. This was supposed to be the year of the novel-meaning, I would finish one. But I don't know if that's the best project for me right now. I've been thinking that this break up would best be written as a bunch of vignettes, and I wonder if I need to write some of those before heading back to novel world. Crazy lady who thinks she's destined to murder her husband or the fun taking apart the bed vignette? Who knows! For now, I think I am going to see about submitting some of my poetry and see if that gets me back into the writing world enough that in a few weeks I can actually write.

What do you want?

Warning, do not watch emotion movies, such as The Notebook, when you are already in an emotional state.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

Confused!

Ok I never write on here anymore because I just never have anything to say. Or if I do, I don't want to write it because I'm tired of sounding depressed. It's been a rough few months. But let's just summarize a few things.

Melissa goes on a date with a guy. It goes fantastically. Melissa goes on second date with same guy, it goes great until he kisses her. She realizes he is...weird. Melissa goes on date with new guy, it goes alright. He goes to Germany for work, but they email. They may see each other when he gets back?

Now brace yourself...Melissa goes on what may have been a date, may have just been dinner...may have been all kinds of things, we don't really know... with ex boyfriend...and is now very very confused.

And that's where life stands.

Blizzard 2010

With my current state of mind being trapped in the old place alone or the new place with a stranger during a blizzard was not looking like a good plan. I was during to have a mental breakdown. So I went and stayed with Kathy and Saureen during the storm, knowing full well I'd get stuck there. I'm finally out and back to my own place...though half of my stuff is still at the old house so I keep finding missing things, like I only have one scarf here and it's kind of wet right now. I am in a terrible mood, but know I would have been much worse if I hadn't been with friends the last few days. No on should get this much snow (somewhere between 27 and 38 inches reported...not sure where I fall but it was above my knees...I could have been lost forever!) and we have more on the way.

We had computers and alcohol, so for awhile we were ok being stuck inside.


We found time to cook and bake! Lasagna, gooey butter cake, shrimp creole, shrimp dip (meant for the super bowl party that had to be canceled since the street wasn't plowed)

It was of course beautiful and enjoyable for some time.


Then we realized we had to dig out...and the monster outside was pretty scary.








After shoveling, there was no energy for a full snowman, so we made a face in the mound of snow.

Beautiful death

Something happens when a serious relationship ends in the fall, when you're supposed to be finishing your harvest and preparing your garden for winter. The garden is left untouched and everything just dies. At least, that's what happened in my case. I was in no shape to garden and really, still am not. John was supposed to do some work and take the strawberries to his parents, but he never did.

Today I'm inside being as upbeat as I can as I pack up more of my house and the life John and I once shared. Outside everything matches how I feel, it's all cold and dead. (ok that's really dramatic, but you get the idea). Anyway, with the warm weather I ventured outside today and found some oddly beautiful images. I'm trying to figure out how to use this as a great metaphor but I'm just going to go pack more.

Derailed!

I really must post a summary of my trip to St. Louis for the holidays but I have not been in the mood to write much here. It'll come soon, I hope. Today we will just say that the train known as Melissa has derailed. I was doing really well with some major issues(as well as can be expected anyways) but this weekend has just gone down the drain. Friday afternoon I was in a great place. Then I went and drank too much and haven't been the same since. I realized a few things that made me unhappy while recovering from my time with the rum. And then I tried to do some packing in the kitchen and it just made me realize I'll actually be moving soon and that does not make me happy. The reality of my situation here with friends and my decline from a great house to the room I'm renting are both just depressing situations.

Blizzard!

Maryland got hit with quite a large amount of snow this weekend. I don't know what the final inch count was here, but it was about to my knees. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. It's pretty and all, but it meant I was trapped in the house for days. And now my back is killing me since I shoveled the driveway myself yesterday. I went all feminist on that snow, let me tell you. I was proud. But I also have a messed up back, so it is angry.

Anyway...

Trees in the back getting snowed on.


My car was almost completly buried!

The front yard before I started shoveling.


Once I started getting the car uncovered you could really see how much was piled up on top of it.


The yard once I started throwing driveway snow onto it.

I want you to

I thought about posting a nice Christmas song, but this is just more fitting of my current mood. I really love this song.