Confused!

Ok I never write on here anymore because I just never have anything to say. Or if I do, I don't want to write it because I'm tired of sounding depressed. It's been a rough few months. But let's just summarize a few things.

Melissa goes on a date with a guy. It goes fantastically. Melissa goes on second date with same guy, it goes great until he kisses her. She realizes he is...weird. Melissa goes on date with new guy, it goes alright. He goes to Germany for work, but they email. They may see each other when he gets back?

Now brace yourself...Melissa goes on what may have been a date, may have just been dinner...may have been all kinds of things, we don't really know... with ex boyfriend...and is now very very confused.

And that's where life stands.

Blizzard 2010

With my current state of mind being trapped in the old place alone or the new place with a stranger during a blizzard was not looking like a good plan. I was during to have a mental breakdown. So I went and stayed with Kathy and Saureen during the storm, knowing full well I'd get stuck there. I'm finally out and back to my own place...though half of my stuff is still at the old house so I keep finding missing things, like I only have one scarf here and it's kind of wet right now. I am in a terrible mood, but know I would have been much worse if I hadn't been with friends the last few days. No on should get this much snow (somewhere between 27 and 38 inches reported...not sure where I fall but it was above my knees...I could have been lost forever!) and we have more on the way.

We had computers and alcohol, so for awhile we were ok being stuck inside.


We found time to cook and bake! Lasagna, gooey butter cake, shrimp creole, shrimp dip (meant for the super bowl party that had to be canceled since the street wasn't plowed)

It was of course beautiful and enjoyable for some time.


Then we realized we had to dig out...and the monster outside was pretty scary.








After shoveling, there was no energy for a full snowman, so we made a face in the mound of snow.

Beautiful death

Something happens when a serious relationship ends in the fall, when you're supposed to be finishing your harvest and preparing your garden for winter. The garden is left untouched and everything just dies. At least, that's what happened in my case. I was in no shape to garden and really, still am not. John was supposed to do some work and take the strawberries to his parents, but he never did.

Today I'm inside being as upbeat as I can as I pack up more of my house and the life John and I once shared. Outside everything matches how I feel, it's all cold and dead. (ok that's really dramatic, but you get the idea). Anyway, with the warm weather I ventured outside today and found some oddly beautiful images. I'm trying to figure out how to use this as a great metaphor but I'm just going to go pack more.

Derailed!

I really must post a summary of my trip to St. Louis for the holidays but I have not been in the mood to write much here. It'll come soon, I hope. Today we will just say that the train known as Melissa has derailed. I was doing really well with some major issues(as well as can be expected anyways) but this weekend has just gone down the drain. Friday afternoon I was in a great place. Then I went and drank too much and haven't been the same since. I realized a few things that made me unhappy while recovering from my time with the rum. And then I tried to do some packing in the kitchen and it just made me realize I'll actually be moving soon and that does not make me happy. The reality of my situation here with friends and my decline from a great house to the room I'm renting are both just depressing situations.

Blizzard!

Maryland got hit with quite a large amount of snow this weekend. I don't know what the final inch count was here, but it was about to my knees. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. It's pretty and all, but it meant I was trapped in the house for days. And now my back is killing me since I shoveled the driveway myself yesterday. I went all feminist on that snow, let me tell you. I was proud. But I also have a messed up back, so it is angry.

Anyway...

Trees in the back getting snowed on.


My car was almost completly buried!

The front yard before I started shoveling.


Once I started getting the car uncovered you could really see how much was piled up on top of it.


The yard once I started throwing driveway snow onto it.

I want you to

I thought about posting a nice Christmas song, but this is just more fitting of my current mood. I really love this song.

Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now. I get myself to a place where I'm feeling ok, confident and ready to face the world again, and then it all comes crashing down.

Like Saturday, John and I were just here doing stuff then watching TV together like we were two old friends who had never dated and all was just cool. Then I watched like 9 hours of Desperate Housewives and had chocolate covered cherries and cried a lot.

Then yesterday, on my way home, I was actually writing this poem in my head. It was totally incoherent, but see, my middle name is Diane, after Diana the huntress...well maybe that's not what mom planned but anyway, I just was going with that...and I was totally ready to kill some daemons. I went to physical therapy, then had two errands. I got home, got an email, and I was back down to nothing...or below nothing, not sure.

I'm quite tired of feeling unstable.

I am also really learning who my real friends are through all of this. And learning that I am quite alone.

There's been some crazyness the last few days that I really need to talk to Kat about because I don't know that anyone else will understand besides her. It's making me feel really unlike myself. But is it? I think only she can answer that question.

And now there's a new baby in the world (and I won the bet!) and let's just say I am not handling it well, even though I knew it was coming and was ok before.

the Holiday

This speech is one of the many reasons I love the movie The Holiday:



I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Post-Thanksgiving

I haven't been much for blogging, but since my last post, here's what's been going on:
John came back from Texas. On his birthday. I had a hard time doing nothing more than wishing him well with words. I really had to hold myself back from crying as we did not celebrate with pie and presents.

John officially moved out. This means my bed and all bedroom furniture is gone. He also took my cute shower curtain. We had many things we divided up, many that still need to be divided, but probably won't be until I pack. We had a sitcom like moment while taking apart the bed.

He just came over and used my computer and ate my ham. I kind of want my ham back.

Spent Thanksgiving with John's family. I feel this was the right decision for many reasons, but it was also very hard. As I knew it would be. If only his family weren't so wonderful. I could tell losing me was also hard on his parents, and that was sad.

Spent the rest of the weekend visiting my brother and sister-in-law. Very nice time doing mostly nothing. They fed me chocolates :) It was good to get away and be with family, even if there were cats who I'm pretty sure were plotting against me.

Met some hot guys last night. I may, at some point, have said something along the lines of "Well it'll be me and 3 guys. I don't think anyone else is invited." Note: one of them is a model.

When I dream

When I dream of Ireland, the flight attendants give you vouchers for a free meal, and the shuttle takes you to a very American looking, off the highway rest area type place, right in the middle of Dublin, where the only thing server is Arbys. But it's free, and Irish. And John is with me.

When I dream of moving on, it is with my best friend's brother and we have a daughter. My best friend does not have a brother.

When I dream of Caroline, she's 6, the flower girl in John's wedding (which I'm at) and she doesn't remember me.

It's been a bad week for dreams.