Beautiful death

Something happens when a serious relationship ends in the fall, when you're supposed to be finishing your harvest and preparing your garden for winter. The garden is left untouched and everything just dies. At least, that's what happened in my case. I was in no shape to garden and really, still am not. John was supposed to do some work and take the strawberries to his parents, but he never did.

Today I'm inside being as upbeat as I can as I pack up more of my house and the life John and I once shared. Outside everything matches how I feel, it's all cold and dead. (ok that's really dramatic, but you get the idea). Anyway, with the warm weather I ventured outside today and found some oddly beautiful images. I'm trying to figure out how to use this as a great metaphor but I'm just going to go pack more.

Derailed!

I really must post a summary of my trip to St. Louis for the holidays but I have not been in the mood to write much here. It'll come soon, I hope. Today we will just say that the train known as Melissa has derailed. I was doing really well with some major issues(as well as can be expected anyways) but this weekend has just gone down the drain. Friday afternoon I was in a great place. Then I went and drank too much and haven't been the same since. I realized a few things that made me unhappy while recovering from my time with the rum. And then I tried to do some packing in the kitchen and it just made me realize I'll actually be moving soon and that does not make me happy. The reality of my situation here with friends and my decline from a great house to the room I'm renting are both just depressing situations.

Blizzard!

Maryland got hit with quite a large amount of snow this weekend. I don't know what the final inch count was here, but it was about to my knees. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. It's pretty and all, but it meant I was trapped in the house for days. And now my back is killing me since I shoveled the driveway myself yesterday. I went all feminist on that snow, let me tell you. I was proud. But I also have a messed up back, so it is angry.

Anyway...

Trees in the back getting snowed on.


My car was almost completly buried!

The front yard before I started shoveling.


Once I started getting the car uncovered you could really see how much was piled up on top of it.


The yard once I started throwing driveway snow onto it.

I want you to

I thought about posting a nice Christmas song, but this is just more fitting of my current mood. I really love this song.

Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now. I get myself to a place where I'm feeling ok, confident and ready to face the world again, and then it all comes crashing down.

Like Saturday, John and I were just here doing stuff then watching TV together like we were two old friends who had never dated and all was just cool. Then I watched like 9 hours of Desperate Housewives and had chocolate covered cherries and cried a lot.

Then yesterday, on my way home, I was actually writing this poem in my head. It was totally incoherent, but see, my middle name is Diane, after Diana the huntress...well maybe that's not what mom planned but anyway, I just was going with that...and I was totally ready to kill some daemons. I went to physical therapy, then had two errands. I got home, got an email, and I was back down to nothing...or below nothing, not sure.

I'm quite tired of feeling unstable.

I am also really learning who my real friends are through all of this. And learning that I am quite alone.

There's been some crazyness the last few days that I really need to talk to Kat about because I don't know that anyone else will understand besides her. It's making me feel really unlike myself. But is it? I think only she can answer that question.

And now there's a new baby in the world (and I won the bet!) and let's just say I am not handling it well, even though I knew it was coming and was ok before.

the Holiday

This speech is one of the many reasons I love the movie The Holiday:



I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Post-Thanksgiving

I haven't been much for blogging, but since my last post, here's what's been going on:
John came back from Texas. On his birthday. I had a hard time doing nothing more than wishing him well with words. I really had to hold myself back from crying as we did not celebrate with pie and presents.

John officially moved out. This means my bed and all bedroom furniture is gone. He also took my cute shower curtain. We had many things we divided up, many that still need to be divided, but probably won't be until I pack. We had a sitcom like moment while taking apart the bed.

He just came over and used my computer and ate my ham. I kind of want my ham back.

Spent Thanksgiving with John's family. I feel this was the right decision for many reasons, but it was also very hard. As I knew it would be. If only his family weren't so wonderful. I could tell losing me was also hard on his parents, and that was sad.

Spent the rest of the weekend visiting my brother and sister-in-law. Very nice time doing mostly nothing. They fed me chocolates :) It was good to get away and be with family, even if there were cats who I'm pretty sure were plotting against me.

Met some hot guys last night. I may, at some point, have said something along the lines of "Well it'll be me and 3 guys. I don't think anyone else is invited." Note: one of them is a model.

When I dream

When I dream of Ireland, the flight attendants give you vouchers for a free meal, and the shuttle takes you to a very American looking, off the highway rest area type place, right in the middle of Dublin, where the only thing server is Arbys. But it's free, and Irish. And John is with me.

When I dream of moving on, it is with my best friend's brother and we have a daughter. My best friend does not have a brother.

When I dream of Caroline, she's 6, the flower girl in John's wedding (which I'm at) and she doesn't remember me.

It's been a bad week for dreams.

Holiday Spirit

Next week is Thanksgiving and normally about this time I would be all about the holidays. I usually have a great holiday spirit, even with all the stress. But I just can't find it this year. Not that this is surprising, it's just frustrating. I want to be happy and celebratory. But I'm just all anti-holiday. I just want to be with family and friends but also just see how wrong it is that John won't be there too.

Anyway, here's a few other random things to keep you updated on me.

My project is ending this week at work. This is bittersweet. I love this project and will be sad to see it go. But, of course seeing it complete, being finished, is always nice.

I have a phone interview for a job I will not like, but for a paycheck I will. So let's just hope all goes well.

I am trying to plan so I can move out in January, but some of that may depend on John's plans for the house and my budget.

I am coming up with a list of songs I cannot listen to. I hope this phase doesn't last long cause I like these songs.

I went out with a friend on Saturday night and had a blast. Yay for the bar! It was a quiet place and we just sat around talking, listening to music, but it was great to get out.

Of course, this made me really want to be out on a date/get hit on/whatever. The convo on facebook afterwards between strangers about how hot I am did make me feel nice, but these strangers are married. Where are the hot single guys who want to hang out? I think it's time for a rebound...date...or something... I can only hang out with married people so much before I lose it.

I did not send drunk text messages! Probably because I was not that drunk.

I did have a dream about a dog who died. It was depressing. But not as scary as men breaking into my house. So, the nightmares are improving? God that's messed up.

Embrace the Single Life?

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to embrace the single life. And maybe I do. Eventually. While I would rather just go straight into a new relationship, and continue on in happy suburbia bliss, I recognize that this is not the healthiest of decisions. So I'll get to that single life thing. But I'm just not there. Probably because I currently equate single life with negative things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun as a single gal. And I know that I will have fun again. I am not one of those "I need a man" type people. I didn't have a man for a long time and I was fine with that. Hell, I was the one who was never going to have a boyfriend/husband and was just going to adopt kids. But, my life with John was going in such a positive direction. Now I keep looking at how much my life is changing and I see it all as steps backwards instead of steps forwards. No, I don't have to have him by my side to be happy (I will eventually get over him), but losing all the things that go with him make this suck even more.

To some the single life means partying, meeting tons of new people, not being tied down by work or family, living alone, something along the lines of college life. Well, to me, going back to college life is a big step backwards. Yes, college was fun, but it's also over. And I am glad it's over. I am not going to party all the time. I still have to work and support myself. But, I am going to be poor for awhile, so I guess that will be like college.

I'm sorry, but I was happy having a house, and a yard, a garden, and furniture (though minimal), almost a dog. I like life in suburbia. I loved what my future held. And I was having fun. I had those vacations and nights out still. So no, giving all that up to live alone in some tiny apartment that I can barely afford, where I'm working all the time and having to reorganize my social life does not really sound like fun.

I want to embrace the idea of this opportunity-to try new things and meet new people-but I have to figure out how to deal with finding a new place and job first. I have to feel settled. I have to stop being upset about all that I am being forced to give up. Then I guess I will tackle the next step.