Roller Coaster

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now. I get myself to a place where I'm feeling ok, confident and ready to face the world again, and then it all comes crashing down.

Like Saturday, John and I were just here doing stuff then watching TV together like we were two old friends who had never dated and all was just cool. Then I watched like 9 hours of Desperate Housewives and had chocolate covered cherries and cried a lot.

Then yesterday, on my way home, I was actually writing this poem in my head. It was totally incoherent, but see, my middle name is Diane, after Diana the huntress...well maybe that's not what mom planned but anyway, I just was going with that...and I was totally ready to kill some daemons. I went to physical therapy, then had two errands. I got home, got an email, and I was back down to nothing...or below nothing, not sure.

I'm quite tired of feeling unstable.

I am also really learning who my real friends are through all of this. And learning that I am quite alone.

There's been some crazyness the last few days that I really need to talk to Kat about because I don't know that anyone else will understand besides her. It's making me feel really unlike myself. But is it? I think only she can answer that question.

And now there's a new baby in the world (and I won the bet!) and let's just say I am not handling it well, even though I knew it was coming and was ok before.

the Holiday

This speech is one of the many reasons I love the movie The Holiday:



I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Post-Thanksgiving

I haven't been much for blogging, but since my last post, here's what's been going on:
John came back from Texas. On his birthday. I had a hard time doing nothing more than wishing him well with words. I really had to hold myself back from crying as we did not celebrate with pie and presents.

John officially moved out. This means my bed and all bedroom furniture is gone. He also took my cute shower curtain. We had many things we divided up, many that still need to be divided, but probably won't be until I pack. We had a sitcom like moment while taking apart the bed.

He just came over and used my computer and ate my ham. I kind of want my ham back.

Spent Thanksgiving with John's family. I feel this was the right decision for many reasons, but it was also very hard. As I knew it would be. If only his family weren't so wonderful. I could tell losing me was also hard on his parents, and that was sad.

Spent the rest of the weekend visiting my brother and sister-in-law. Very nice time doing mostly nothing. They fed me chocolates :) It was good to get away and be with family, even if there were cats who I'm pretty sure were plotting against me.

Met some hot guys last night. I may, at some point, have said something along the lines of "Well it'll be me and 3 guys. I don't think anyone else is invited." Note: one of them is a model.

When I dream

When I dream of Ireland, the flight attendants give you vouchers for a free meal, and the shuttle takes you to a very American looking, off the highway rest area type place, right in the middle of Dublin, where the only thing server is Arbys. But it's free, and Irish. And John is with me.

When I dream of moving on, it is with my best friend's brother and we have a daughter. My best friend does not have a brother.

When I dream of Caroline, she's 6, the flower girl in John's wedding (which I'm at) and she doesn't remember me.

It's been a bad week for dreams.

Holiday Spirit

Next week is Thanksgiving and normally about this time I would be all about the holidays. I usually have a great holiday spirit, even with all the stress. But I just can't find it this year. Not that this is surprising, it's just frustrating. I want to be happy and celebratory. But I'm just all anti-holiday. I just want to be with family and friends but also just see how wrong it is that John won't be there too.

Anyway, here's a few other random things to keep you updated on me.

My project is ending this week at work. This is bittersweet. I love this project and will be sad to see it go. But, of course seeing it complete, being finished, is always nice.

I have a phone interview for a job I will not like, but for a paycheck I will. So let's just hope all goes well.

I am trying to plan so I can move out in January, but some of that may depend on John's plans for the house and my budget.

I am coming up with a list of songs I cannot listen to. I hope this phase doesn't last long cause I like these songs.

I went out with a friend on Saturday night and had a blast. Yay for the bar! It was a quiet place and we just sat around talking, listening to music, but it was great to get out.

Of course, this made me really want to be out on a date/get hit on/whatever. The convo on facebook afterwards between strangers about how hot I am did make me feel nice, but these strangers are married. Where are the hot single guys who want to hang out? I think it's time for a rebound...date...or something... I can only hang out with married people so much before I lose it.

I did not send drunk text messages! Probably because I was not that drunk.

I did have a dream about a dog who died. It was depressing. But not as scary as men breaking into my house. So, the nightmares are improving? God that's messed up.

Embrace the Single Life?

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to embrace the single life. And maybe I do. Eventually. While I would rather just go straight into a new relationship, and continue on in happy suburbia bliss, I recognize that this is not the healthiest of decisions. So I'll get to that single life thing. But I'm just not there. Probably because I currently equate single life with negative things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun as a single gal. And I know that I will have fun again. I am not one of those "I need a man" type people. I didn't have a man for a long time and I was fine with that. Hell, I was the one who was never going to have a boyfriend/husband and was just going to adopt kids. But, my life with John was going in such a positive direction. Now I keep looking at how much my life is changing and I see it all as steps backwards instead of steps forwards. No, I don't have to have him by my side to be happy (I will eventually get over him), but losing all the things that go with him make this suck even more.

To some the single life means partying, meeting tons of new people, not being tied down by work or family, living alone, something along the lines of college life. Well, to me, going back to college life is a big step backwards. Yes, college was fun, but it's also over. And I am glad it's over. I am not going to party all the time. I still have to work and support myself. But, I am going to be poor for awhile, so I guess that will be like college.

I'm sorry, but I was happy having a house, and a yard, a garden, and furniture (though minimal), almost a dog. I like life in suburbia. I loved what my future held. And I was having fun. I had those vacations and nights out still. So no, giving all that up to live alone in some tiny apartment that I can barely afford, where I'm working all the time and having to reorganize my social life does not really sound like fun.

I want to embrace the idea of this opportunity-to try new things and meet new people-but I have to figure out how to deal with finding a new place and job first. I have to feel settled. I have to stop being upset about all that I am being forced to give up. Then I guess I will tackle the next step.

Changes

A few weeks ago I was looking for a new job, but otherwise, no significant things were being altered in my life. I was dealing with a lot of problems, but thought I could deal with them.

Now I'm minus a boyfriend (who I still care for deeply) and I'm looking for a new place to live in addition to a new job. And those other issues, still there.

How did all of this happen?!

In many ways, this break up is like a divorce. Only John and I get to figure things out on our own instead of going to court. We still have things that we've accumulated together, we have a house full of stuff to divide, we are going from one rent to two, and though I had the job, he was sort of the breadwinner.

So where does a break up leave us? In a divorce everything would have been split and he would have paid me alimony. Instead we just have uncertainty. He is trying to do what's best for him (emotionally and financially) and I'm just left holding onto broken pieces of my life.

The Winner Takes It All

In an attempt to feel better on my way home today, I put in Mama Mia. Well, that worked for a little bit. Then, this song came on. It has always made me cry and now it's even worse. But, at the same time, it felt really good to get it all out. I was given permission to let myself feel everything. I am not supposed to beat myself up for feeling depressed. So I cranked up the song and played it like 3 times. And as much as it depressed me, I felt so much better afterwards.

Then, everything was getting to me. There are a lot of lines in Mama Mia that really speak to me right now. It was kind of scary. I won't make the list now. You should just go watch it/listen to it.

And um, I have always had this crazy obsession with Meryl Streep. In my head, she's the perfect older sister or crazy aunt or something. I think she should probably come to my house and whip me back into shape.

Anyway.... love this song!

Melissa Rocks

I am supposed to make a list of reasons why I rock, as therapy. Apparently reminding yourself why you're awesome will help you move on after a break up. If it weren't for the fact that I never forgot these things while I was in a relationship, I might believe it. But, I'm willing to try anything.

Melissa rocks because:
~She is amazingly skilled with babies (and kids in general).
~She is a fantastic writer.
~She lived alone in the city of Baltimore for 1 year and did not get killed.
~She is the best sister you could ask for (um, the brothers had better agree).
~She makes many great food things including gooey butter cake, apple pie, and cheese manicotti.
~She is pretty 'cute' (felt weird saying hot...)
~She is highly educated.
~She writes/edits things so that others can learn.
~She can make chocolate cake shots.
~She has climbed a mountain.
~She can grow her own food (to a certain extent).
~She recycles.
~She can quote many scenes from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (this might just mean I'm a dork...)
~She knows just about all the words to Les Miserables, Phantom, and Rent.
~She bought her own car.
~She can build a campfire.
~She is a great listener.
~She is not afraid of power tools.


Feel free to boost my ego in comments!

Still Depressed

I've been writing in a journal again, since a lot of what I have to say right now I don't want to share online. So the blog is kind of lame. Sorry!

I never knew a break up could be this hard. I've had guys who made me cry but in the end I didn't love them, so the depression didn't last. I've had few friends who I've seen get their hearts broken. The one I was most deeply connected to was sad, but it never seemed this bad. But I was also on the other side that time, the helpful friend. Everyone assures me my feelings are normal, but when you feel so out of sorts, it's hard to believe. I keep hoping for one day where I feel a little bit more like myself. Or even just one hour where I'm not miserable. I've gone back to work and tried to keep myself busy, but I am still deep in the depression state.

This week's biggest problems:

A dream in which someone broke into the house. The alarm warned me it was happening. I heard him coming up the stairs. But I was in bed, paralyzed. I kept telling myself to get up, shut and lock and bedroom door, call 911. But I couldn't move. And of course, John no longer lived here in my dream, so there was no one to bash in the skull of the intruder. I woke up when he stepped in the doorway.

Obviously, I have some issues about being alone. I never wanted to be that girl who needed a man for protection. And chances are, I could do some damage on my own. But you get used to a certain sense of security when you always have someone there with you.

I haven't been able to sleep with the door completely shut (and therefore locked) since I feel locked up and alone when I do that. I guess if John wasn't just down the hall I'd have to live with that fear so I don't freak out about intruders. But yeah, it's pretty messed up.

The other issue is the lack of emotional comfort that I really need right now. Life was crazy enough before, with my medical issues and work stress/finding a new job. Plus worries about my family and how they're struggling. But John was always there to kiss me when I had a bad day or to just hold my hand while we watched TV. You really underestimate how much such simple things can help a situation. Having a partner who's always there and just wants you to be happy and loved.

So yesterday I had another injection into my tailbone. And it hurts like hell. So last night all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch bad TV, and have him rub my back and make me feel better. He watched some TV with me, but he can't touch me anymore. He can't give that same kind of comfort. And I really needed it last night.