When I dream

When I dream of Ireland, the flight attendants give you vouchers for a free meal, and the shuttle takes you to a very American looking, off the highway rest area type place, right in the middle of Dublin, where the only thing server is Arbys. But it's free, and Irish. And John is with me.

When I dream of moving on, it is with my best friend's brother and we have a daughter. My best friend does not have a brother.

When I dream of Caroline, she's 6, the flower girl in John's wedding (which I'm at) and she doesn't remember me.

It's been a bad week for dreams.

Holiday Spirit

Next week is Thanksgiving and normally about this time I would be all about the holidays. I usually have a great holiday spirit, even with all the stress. But I just can't find it this year. Not that this is surprising, it's just frustrating. I want to be happy and celebratory. But I'm just all anti-holiday. I just want to be with family and friends but also just see how wrong it is that John won't be there too.

Anyway, here's a few other random things to keep you updated on me.

My project is ending this week at work. This is bittersweet. I love this project and will be sad to see it go. But, of course seeing it complete, being finished, is always nice.

I have a phone interview for a job I will not like, but for a paycheck I will. So let's just hope all goes well.

I am trying to plan so I can move out in January, but some of that may depend on John's plans for the house and my budget.

I am coming up with a list of songs I cannot listen to. I hope this phase doesn't last long cause I like these songs.

I went out with a friend on Saturday night and had a blast. Yay for the bar! It was a quiet place and we just sat around talking, listening to music, but it was great to get out.

Of course, this made me really want to be out on a date/get hit on/whatever. The convo on facebook afterwards between strangers about how hot I am did make me feel nice, but these strangers are married. Where are the hot single guys who want to hang out? I think it's time for a rebound...date...or something... I can only hang out with married people so much before I lose it.

I did not send drunk text messages! Probably because I was not that drunk.

I did have a dream about a dog who died. It was depressing. But not as scary as men breaking into my house. So, the nightmares are improving? God that's messed up.

Embrace the Single Life?

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to embrace the single life. And maybe I do. Eventually. While I would rather just go straight into a new relationship, and continue on in happy suburbia bliss, I recognize that this is not the healthiest of decisions. So I'll get to that single life thing. But I'm just not there. Probably because I currently equate single life with negative things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun as a single gal. And I know that I will have fun again. I am not one of those "I need a man" type people. I didn't have a man for a long time and I was fine with that. Hell, I was the one who was never going to have a boyfriend/husband and was just going to adopt kids. But, my life with John was going in such a positive direction. Now I keep looking at how much my life is changing and I see it all as steps backwards instead of steps forwards. No, I don't have to have him by my side to be happy (I will eventually get over him), but losing all the things that go with him make this suck even more.

To some the single life means partying, meeting tons of new people, not being tied down by work or family, living alone, something along the lines of college life. Well, to me, going back to college life is a big step backwards. Yes, college was fun, but it's also over. And I am glad it's over. I am not going to party all the time. I still have to work and support myself. But, I am going to be poor for awhile, so I guess that will be like college.

I'm sorry, but I was happy having a house, and a yard, a garden, and furniture (though minimal), almost a dog. I like life in suburbia. I loved what my future held. And I was having fun. I had those vacations and nights out still. So no, giving all that up to live alone in some tiny apartment that I can barely afford, where I'm working all the time and having to reorganize my social life does not really sound like fun.

I want to embrace the idea of this opportunity-to try new things and meet new people-but I have to figure out how to deal with finding a new place and job first. I have to feel settled. I have to stop being upset about all that I am being forced to give up. Then I guess I will tackle the next step.

Changes

A few weeks ago I was looking for a new job, but otherwise, no significant things were being altered in my life. I was dealing with a lot of problems, but thought I could deal with them.

Now I'm minus a boyfriend (who I still care for deeply) and I'm looking for a new place to live in addition to a new job. And those other issues, still there.

How did all of this happen?!

In many ways, this break up is like a divorce. Only John and I get to figure things out on our own instead of going to court. We still have things that we've accumulated together, we have a house full of stuff to divide, we are going from one rent to two, and though I had the job, he was sort of the breadwinner.

So where does a break up leave us? In a divorce everything would have been split and he would have paid me alimony. Instead we just have uncertainty. He is trying to do what's best for him (emotionally and financially) and I'm just left holding onto broken pieces of my life.

The Winner Takes It All

In an attempt to feel better on my way home today, I put in Mama Mia. Well, that worked for a little bit. Then, this song came on. It has always made me cry and now it's even worse. But, at the same time, it felt really good to get it all out. I was given permission to let myself feel everything. I am not supposed to beat myself up for feeling depressed. So I cranked up the song and played it like 3 times. And as much as it depressed me, I felt so much better afterwards.

Then, everything was getting to me. There are a lot of lines in Mama Mia that really speak to me right now. It was kind of scary. I won't make the list now. You should just go watch it/listen to it.

And um, I have always had this crazy obsession with Meryl Streep. In my head, she's the perfect older sister or crazy aunt or something. I think she should probably come to my house and whip me back into shape.

Anyway.... love this song!

Melissa Rocks

I am supposed to make a list of reasons why I rock, as therapy. Apparently reminding yourself why you're awesome will help you move on after a break up. If it weren't for the fact that I never forgot these things while I was in a relationship, I might believe it. But, I'm willing to try anything.

Melissa rocks because:
~She is amazingly skilled with babies (and kids in general).
~She is a fantastic writer.
~She lived alone in the city of Baltimore for 1 year and did not get killed.
~She is the best sister you could ask for (um, the brothers had better agree).
~She makes many great food things including gooey butter cake, apple pie, and cheese manicotti.
~She is pretty 'cute' (felt weird saying hot...)
~She is highly educated.
~She writes/edits things so that others can learn.
~She can make chocolate cake shots.
~She has climbed a mountain.
~She can grow her own food (to a certain extent).
~She recycles.
~She can quote many scenes from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (this might just mean I'm a dork...)
~She knows just about all the words to Les Miserables, Phantom, and Rent.
~She bought her own car.
~She can build a campfire.
~She is a great listener.
~She is not afraid of power tools.


Feel free to boost my ego in comments!

Still Depressed

I've been writing in a journal again, since a lot of what I have to say right now I don't want to share online. So the blog is kind of lame. Sorry!

I never knew a break up could be this hard. I've had guys who made me cry but in the end I didn't love them, so the depression didn't last. I've had few friends who I've seen get their hearts broken. The one I was most deeply connected to was sad, but it never seemed this bad. But I was also on the other side that time, the helpful friend. Everyone assures me my feelings are normal, but when you feel so out of sorts, it's hard to believe. I keep hoping for one day where I feel a little bit more like myself. Or even just one hour where I'm not miserable. I've gone back to work and tried to keep myself busy, but I am still deep in the depression state.

This week's biggest problems:

A dream in which someone broke into the house. The alarm warned me it was happening. I heard him coming up the stairs. But I was in bed, paralyzed. I kept telling myself to get up, shut and lock and bedroom door, call 911. But I couldn't move. And of course, John no longer lived here in my dream, so there was no one to bash in the skull of the intruder. I woke up when he stepped in the doorway.

Obviously, I have some issues about being alone. I never wanted to be that girl who needed a man for protection. And chances are, I could do some damage on my own. But you get used to a certain sense of security when you always have someone there with you.

I haven't been able to sleep with the door completely shut (and therefore locked) since I feel locked up and alone when I do that. I guess if John wasn't just down the hall I'd have to live with that fear so I don't freak out about intruders. But yeah, it's pretty messed up.

The other issue is the lack of emotional comfort that I really need right now. Life was crazy enough before, with my medical issues and work stress/finding a new job. Plus worries about my family and how they're struggling. But John was always there to kiss me when I had a bad day or to just hold my hand while we watched TV. You really underestimate how much such simple things can help a situation. Having a partner who's always there and just wants you to be happy and loved.

So yesterday I had another injection into my tailbone. And it hurts like hell. So last night all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch bad TV, and have him rub my back and make me feel better. He watched some TV with me, but he can't touch me anymore. He can't give that same kind of comfort. And I really needed it last night.

What Now?

I have been back in Maryland since 10:30 and have asked myself "What now?" about a hundred times already. Some of the time the answer was simple. Unpack. Eat something. Get some water. Find a journal. But really, this is a big picture type question.

What on earth do I do now?

Some know, and some have guessed, but for those out there still clueless, here's the deal:

John broke up with me.

Exactly one week after our 3rd anniversary he comes to me, out of the blue, and breaks my heart. Yes, it's shocking. Even he admits that we were insanely happy. Just scroll down and read my happy anniversary posts (note I say, we couldn't be happier, and part of me still believes this was true.) Yet still, he's insisting that the entire thing is over, just like that.

His take: Melissa wants to eventually have a family, I can't see myself with kids, therefore we need to end this now before we invest anymore time or emotion. I still love her and don't want to lose her, but I have to give her up so we can both have the lives we're meant to have.

My take: John's freaking out because we're getting extreme pressure from friends and family about settling down and starting a family. And we're just not ready. He also is feeling a bit funky about life in the suburbs and wants to move to the city where we'll be closer to some friends, but he knows I don't want to. Instead of confronting the pressure together, or looking for a compromise about where we live, his response is to hit the panic button and run away. He's right, that the kids thing is a potential issue that we need to deal with, but I don't think he's given it enough thought to throw away a relationship that was 95% great.

That's the short version of the story, but I know that he's running away and I can't do anything about it. I'm completely devastated. I don't know how to forgive him for giving up on us.

This also really confuses my life. My entire life here in Maryland is the one John and I built together. He's my very best friend. Any other friend is our friend. My only family here is his family. Our hobbies are mostly things we do together, aside from my writing. That life no longer exists. So do I stay here or do I move somewhere else and start completely from scratch (yet again)?

The problem is I have to stay here right now. It's where my job is and for now I have to have that income. And I can't make any real life decisions when I'm so depressed. But eventually I will have to. Part of me wants to stay here, but I will have to find a new job because I can't afford not to. I probably can't go back to Missouri and just be with family because there's probably not a good editorial job to be found. So that basically leaves starting over, which scares the hell out of me. I did that coming to Maryland and I really did not ever want to have to do it again. I don't want to go to another strange city and have to meet all new friends.

We won't get into my other panics yet. There will be plenty to blog about, I'm sure.

But yeah, my heart is in pieces.

In St. Louis

Nuns come to visit for conferences and read Harry Potter on the plane.

I sit on the front porch waiting for my brother to get home from school. He thought I was the scarecrow and jumped when I said hi.

I wore my "I love boys who recycle" t-shirt to bed:
Harrison: I recycle so you must love me.
Me: Of course I love you.
H: Does John recycle?
Me: All the time.
H: Then you must really love him.

I woke up around 3am to a golden retriever paw in my butt.

The 15 year old would rather have a dog in his bed than a girl. Hooray!

I spent this morning being really depressed. Imagine me + couch + dog + tears. Oh, and of course all sorts of depressing thoughts.

I found that walking the dog was really good therapy. Though, Rocky is not very good on a leash since usually the boys just run with him. So he was not pleased when I made him walk. And he was really confused when I did not take him to the park (it started raining).

My 11 year old brother is on the road to being a poet! "Your eyes are like sunflowers... behind prairie grass." I told him I was stealing that and would share the royalties.

Mourning

I'm officially going to St. Louis this weekend so I can curl up in a ball on my mom's couch and mourn. Will be there on Thursday, leaving early Tues morning.

I did not want to leave work in the hands of others, but this had to be done for my own sanity.

I also made an appointment with a therapist. I feel ridiculous doing that, but I didn't know how else to cope.

I currently:
can't focus on work
can barely keep food down
can't stop crying
keep worrying about everything

I know my sad blog posts are confusing to those that don't know what's going on. I promise a good post explaining everything one of these days. This is just something that can't be shared for all eyes yet, so I can't post it here.