I am supposed to make a list of reasons why I rock, as therapy. Apparently reminding yourself why you're awesome will help you move on after a break up. If it weren't for the fact that I never forgot these things while I was in a relationship, I might believe it. But, I'm willing to try anything.
Melissa rocks because:
~She is amazingly skilled with babies (and kids in general).
~She is a fantastic writer.
~She lived alone in the city of Baltimore for 1 year and did not get killed.
~She is the best sister you could ask for (um, the brothers had better agree).
~She makes many great food things including gooey butter cake, apple pie, and cheese manicotti.
~She is pretty 'cute' (felt weird saying hot...)
~She is highly educated.
~She writes/edits things so that others can learn.
~She can make chocolate cake shots.
~She has climbed a mountain.
~She can grow her own food (to a certain extent).
~She recycles.
~She can quote many scenes from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (this might just mean I'm a dork...)
~She knows just about all the words to Les Miserables, Phantom, and Rent.
~She bought her own car.
~She can build a campfire.
~She is a great listener.
~She is not afraid of power tools.
Feel free to boost my ego in comments!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Still Depressed
I've been writing in a journal again, since a lot of what I have to say right now I don't want to share online. So the blog is kind of lame. Sorry!
I never knew a break up could be this hard. I've had guys who made me cry but in the end I didn't love them, so the depression didn't last. I've had few friends who I've seen get their hearts broken. The one I was most deeply connected to was sad, but it never seemed this bad. But I was also on the other side that time, the helpful friend. Everyone assures me my feelings are normal, but when you feel so out of sorts, it's hard to believe. I keep hoping for one day where I feel a little bit more like myself. Or even just one hour where I'm not miserable. I've gone back to work and tried to keep myself busy, but I am still deep in the depression state.
This week's biggest problems:
A dream in which someone broke into the house. The alarm warned me it was happening. I heard him coming up the stairs. But I was in bed, paralyzed. I kept telling myself to get up, shut and lock and bedroom door, call 911. But I couldn't move. And of course, John no longer lived here in my dream, so there was no one to bash in the skull of the intruder. I woke up when he stepped in the doorway.
Obviously, I have some issues about being alone. I never wanted to be that girl who needed a man for protection. And chances are, I could do some damage on my own. But you get used to a certain sense of security when you always have someone there with you.
I haven't been able to sleep with the door completely shut (and therefore locked) since I feel locked up and alone when I do that. I guess if John wasn't just down the hall I'd have to live with that fear so I don't freak out about intruders. But yeah, it's pretty messed up.
The other issue is the lack of emotional comfort that I really need right now. Life was crazy enough before, with my medical issues and work stress/finding a new job. Plus worries about my family and how they're struggling. But John was always there to kiss me when I had a bad day or to just hold my hand while we watched TV. You really underestimate how much such simple things can help a situation. Having a partner who's always there and just wants you to be happy and loved.
So yesterday I had another injection into my tailbone. And it hurts like hell. So last night all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch bad TV, and have him rub my back and make me feel better. He watched some TV with me, but he can't touch me anymore. He can't give that same kind of comfort. And I really needed it last night.
I never knew a break up could be this hard. I've had guys who made me cry but in the end I didn't love them, so the depression didn't last. I've had few friends who I've seen get their hearts broken. The one I was most deeply connected to was sad, but it never seemed this bad. But I was also on the other side that time, the helpful friend. Everyone assures me my feelings are normal, but when you feel so out of sorts, it's hard to believe. I keep hoping for one day where I feel a little bit more like myself. Or even just one hour where I'm not miserable. I've gone back to work and tried to keep myself busy, but I am still deep in the depression state.
This week's biggest problems:
A dream in which someone broke into the house. The alarm warned me it was happening. I heard him coming up the stairs. But I was in bed, paralyzed. I kept telling myself to get up, shut and lock and bedroom door, call 911. But I couldn't move. And of course, John no longer lived here in my dream, so there was no one to bash in the skull of the intruder. I woke up when he stepped in the doorway.
Obviously, I have some issues about being alone. I never wanted to be that girl who needed a man for protection. And chances are, I could do some damage on my own. But you get used to a certain sense of security when you always have someone there with you.
I haven't been able to sleep with the door completely shut (and therefore locked) since I feel locked up and alone when I do that. I guess if John wasn't just down the hall I'd have to live with that fear so I don't freak out about intruders. But yeah, it's pretty messed up.
The other issue is the lack of emotional comfort that I really need right now. Life was crazy enough before, with my medical issues and work stress/finding a new job. Plus worries about my family and how they're struggling. But John was always there to kiss me when I had a bad day or to just hold my hand while we watched TV. You really underestimate how much such simple things can help a situation. Having a partner who's always there and just wants you to be happy and loved.
So yesterday I had another injection into my tailbone. And it hurts like hell. So last night all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch bad TV, and have him rub my back and make me feel better. He watched some TV with me, but he can't touch me anymore. He can't give that same kind of comfort. And I really needed it last night.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
What Now?
I have been back in Maryland since 10:30 and have asked myself "What now?" about a hundred times already. Some of the time the answer was simple. Unpack. Eat something. Get some water. Find a journal. But really, this is a big picture type question.
What on earth do I do now?
Some know, and some have guessed, but for those out there still clueless, here's the deal:
John broke up with me.
Exactly one week after our 3rd anniversary he comes to me, out of the blue, and breaks my heart. Yes, it's shocking. Even he admits that we were insanely happy. Just scroll down and read my happy anniversary posts (note I say, we couldn't be happier, and part of me still believes this was true.) Yet still, he's insisting that the entire thing is over, just like that.
His take: Melissa wants to eventually have a family, I can't see myself with kids, therefore we need to end this now before we invest anymore time or emotion. I still love her and don't want to lose her, but I have to give her up so we can both have the lives we're meant to have.
My take: John's freaking out because we're getting extreme pressure from friends and family about settling down and starting a family. And we're just not ready. He also is feeling a bit funky about life in the suburbs and wants to move to the city where we'll be closer to some friends, but he knows I don't want to. Instead of confronting the pressure together, or looking for a compromise about where we live, his response is to hit the panic button and run away. He's right, that the kids thing is a potential issue that we need to deal with, but I don't think he's given it enough thought to throw away a relationship that was 95% great.
That's the short version of the story, but I know that he's running away and I can't do anything about it. I'm completely devastated. I don't know how to forgive him for giving up on us.
This also really confuses my life. My entire life here in Maryland is the one John and I built together. He's my very best friend. Any other friend is our friend. My only family here is his family. Our hobbies are mostly things we do together, aside from my writing. That life no longer exists. So do I stay here or do I move somewhere else and start completely from scratch (yet again)?
The problem is I have to stay here right now. It's where my job is and for now I have to have that income. And I can't make any real life decisions when I'm so depressed. But eventually I will have to. Part of me wants to stay here, but I will have to find a new job because I can't afford not to. I probably can't go back to Missouri and just be with family because there's probably not a good editorial job to be found. So that basically leaves starting over, which scares the hell out of me. I did that coming to Maryland and I really did not ever want to have to do it again. I don't want to go to another strange city and have to meet all new friends.
We won't get into my other panics yet. There will be plenty to blog about, I'm sure.
But yeah, my heart is in pieces.
What on earth do I do now?
Some know, and some have guessed, but for those out there still clueless, here's the deal:
John broke up with me.
Exactly one week after our 3rd anniversary he comes to me, out of the blue, and breaks my heart. Yes, it's shocking. Even he admits that we were insanely happy. Just scroll down and read my happy anniversary posts (note I say, we couldn't be happier, and part of me still believes this was true.) Yet still, he's insisting that the entire thing is over, just like that.
His take: Melissa wants to eventually have a family, I can't see myself with kids, therefore we need to end this now before we invest anymore time or emotion. I still love her and don't want to lose her, but I have to give her up so we can both have the lives we're meant to have.
My take: John's freaking out because we're getting extreme pressure from friends and family about settling down and starting a family. And we're just not ready. He also is feeling a bit funky about life in the suburbs and wants to move to the city where we'll be closer to some friends, but he knows I don't want to. Instead of confronting the pressure together, or looking for a compromise about where we live, his response is to hit the panic button and run away. He's right, that the kids thing is a potential issue that we need to deal with, but I don't think he's given it enough thought to throw away a relationship that was 95% great.
That's the short version of the story, but I know that he's running away and I can't do anything about it. I'm completely devastated. I don't know how to forgive him for giving up on us.
This also really confuses my life. My entire life here in Maryland is the one John and I built together. He's my very best friend. Any other friend is our friend. My only family here is his family. Our hobbies are mostly things we do together, aside from my writing. That life no longer exists. So do I stay here or do I move somewhere else and start completely from scratch (yet again)?
The problem is I have to stay here right now. It's where my job is and for now I have to have that income. And I can't make any real life decisions when I'm so depressed. But eventually I will have to. Part of me wants to stay here, but I will have to find a new job because I can't afford not to. I probably can't go back to Missouri and just be with family because there's probably not a good editorial job to be found. So that basically leaves starting over, which scares the hell out of me. I did that coming to Maryland and I really did not ever want to have to do it again. I don't want to go to another strange city and have to meet all new friends.
We won't get into my other panics yet. There will be plenty to blog about, I'm sure.
But yeah, my heart is in pieces.
Friday, October 16, 2009
In St. Louis
Nuns come to visit for conferences and read Harry Potter on the plane.
I sit on the front porch waiting for my brother to get home from school. He thought I was the scarecrow and jumped when I said hi.
I wore my "I love boys who recycle" t-shirt to bed:
Harrison: I recycle so you must love me.
Me: Of course I love you.
H: Does John recycle?
Me: All the time.
H: Then you must really love him.
I woke up around 3am to a golden retriever paw in my butt.
The 15 year old would rather have a dog in his bed than a girl. Hooray!
I spent this morning being really depressed. Imagine me + couch + dog + tears. Oh, and of course all sorts of depressing thoughts.
I found that walking the dog was really good therapy. Though, Rocky is not very good on a leash since usually the boys just run with him. So he was not pleased when I made him walk. And he was really confused when I did not take him to the park (it started raining).
My 11 year old brother is on the road to being a poet! "Your eyes are like sunflowers... behind prairie grass." I told him I was stealing that and would share the royalties.
I sit on the front porch waiting for my brother to get home from school. He thought I was the scarecrow and jumped when I said hi.
I wore my "I love boys who recycle" t-shirt to bed:
Harrison: I recycle so you must love me.
Me: Of course I love you.
H: Does John recycle?
Me: All the time.
H: Then you must really love him.
I woke up around 3am to a golden retriever paw in my butt.
The 15 year old would rather have a dog in his bed than a girl. Hooray!
I spent this morning being really depressed. Imagine me + couch + dog + tears. Oh, and of course all sorts of depressing thoughts.
I found that walking the dog was really good therapy. Though, Rocky is not very good on a leash since usually the boys just run with him. So he was not pleased when I made him walk. And he was really confused when I did not take him to the park (it started raining).
My 11 year old brother is on the road to being a poet! "Your eyes are like sunflowers... behind prairie grass." I told him I was stealing that and would share the royalties.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Mourning
I'm officially going to St. Louis this weekend so I can curl up in a ball on my mom's couch and mourn. Will be there on Thursday, leaving early Tues morning.
I did not want to leave work in the hands of others, but this had to be done for my own sanity.
I also made an appointment with a therapist. I feel ridiculous doing that, but I didn't know how else to cope.
I currently:
can't focus on work
can barely keep food down
can't stop crying
keep worrying about everything
I know my sad blog posts are confusing to those that don't know what's going on. I promise a good post explaining everything one of these days. This is just something that can't be shared for all eyes yet, so I can't post it here.
I did not want to leave work in the hands of others, but this had to be done for my own sanity.
I also made an appointment with a therapist. I feel ridiculous doing that, but I didn't know how else to cope.
I currently:
can't focus on work
can barely keep food down
can't stop crying
keep worrying about everything
I know my sad blog posts are confusing to those that don't know what's going on. I promise a good post explaining everything one of these days. This is just something that can't be shared for all eyes yet, so I can't post it here.
Friday, October 9, 2009
There are things....
There are things going on that I do not want to write about here. But I also need to really get them out. This is frustrating. Of course, I've been talking to some people about these issues, but so far I haven't been able to really say what I need to.
I would like to go to a therapist to sort some things out, but I can't afford to.
From my fortune cookie comes great advice: "You need to control of your emotions. Keep 'em under wraps!" (There's some grammatical issues here, but you get the point.)
I just got back from my first physical therapy appointment. Hopefully this will help my back some, though I admit, I have little faith. But, my therapist loves hiking and writes poetry. How funny is that?
Everyone's married and having babies and I'm young still and not ready. (and maybe won't ever be) But there's so much pressure. It makes life suck. Why can't people keep their mouths shut?!
The leaves here have started to change but it seems some are going straight from green to brown. I wonder if it's better in the mountains.
I wanted to be hiking this weekend, but I am not. I have no plans at all, so I don't know exactly why I won't be hiking/camping. The plans just never materialized.
I would like to go to a therapist to sort some things out, but I can't afford to.
From my fortune cookie comes great advice: "You need to control of your emotions. Keep 'em under wraps!" (There's some grammatical issues here, but you get the point.)
I just got back from my first physical therapy appointment. Hopefully this will help my back some, though I admit, I have little faith. But, my therapist loves hiking and writes poetry. How funny is that?
Everyone's married and having babies and I'm young still and not ready. (and maybe won't ever be) But there's so much pressure. It makes life suck. Why can't people keep their mouths shut?!
The leaves here have started to change but it seems some are going straight from green to brown. I wonder if it's better in the mountains.
I wanted to be hiking this weekend, but I am not. I have no plans at all, so I don't know exactly why I won't be hiking/camping. The plans just never materialized.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Photo Shoot
My anniversary lilies had a photo shoot!
Seriously, every time I get flowers I take pictures of them. It's kind of nuts. I have a lot of pictures of lilies...
Seriously, every time I get flowers I take pictures of them. It's kind of nuts. I have a lot of pictures of lilies...
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Holidays?!
The super cold this morning (uh, 47?!) made me realize the holidays are creeping up. And I really should be making plans so I'm not spending ridiculous amounts on plane tickets. So I've spent the day trying to figure out what the best plan is.
I've gone through it all:
Thanksgiving in STL- which would mean xmas with John's family and my first Christmas not at home. Though, we'd do xmas in STL that weekend or something, I'm sure. Probably go get a tree with the fam, which I haven't done in years (and really miss)
Christmas in STL-the usual, then we'd miss Caroline's first xmas
Have the family come here for one of those holidays-which probably means a fairly cranky boyfriend at some point in the week. He needs small doses of the family.
Yes, I went as far as looking up cabins in the Poconos, thinking the entire family might actually spend a holiday together. While I could probably afford this (since I'd be spending money on plane tickets and hotels anyway) my family probably can't afford to come here (5 is a lot of plane tickets) and the boys only have so much time off of school, so travel isn't always practical.
I don't know what the best idea is and for some reason I feel completely stressed out about it this year. But I guess John and I will have to figure it out soon.
I've gone through it all:
Thanksgiving in STL- which would mean xmas with John's family and my first Christmas not at home. Though, we'd do xmas in STL that weekend or something, I'm sure. Probably go get a tree with the fam, which I haven't done in years (and really miss)
Christmas in STL-the usual, then we'd miss Caroline's first xmas
Have the family come here for one of those holidays-which probably means a fairly cranky boyfriend at some point in the week. He needs small doses of the family.
Yes, I went as far as looking up cabins in the Poconos, thinking the entire family might actually spend a holiday together. While I could probably afford this (since I'd be spending money on plane tickets and hotels anyway) my family probably can't afford to come here (5 is a lot of plane tickets) and the boys only have so much time off of school, so travel isn't always practical.
I don't know what the best idea is and for some reason I feel completely stressed out about it this year. But I guess John and I will have to figure it out soon.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
3rd Anniversary
Yesterday marked 3 years for me and John! And we couldn't be happier :)
(Anyone remember me saying I was NOT going to fall in love and stay in Maryland?)
Anyway, we went out on Saturday to celebrate. We hung around the house most of the day, but the celebrations started in early afternoon. We planned to go to a show in Baltimore, so we found a winery north of the city, but not too far. Of course, I was all excited about it by the time we got on the road, but when we arrived, the gate was locked. We could not figure out how to get Melissa and the wine together. So we just left.
That gave us like 2 hours to kill before the show. But we had no tickets yet, so we went to the theater to get them. Of course, we got a little lost since the GPS was only capable of finding the road, not the specific address. But we found it after some crazy loops. Luckily the show was at a hotel, so there was a restaurant, where we had some drinks.
The show as at Toby's Dinner Theater. We'd been to the one in Columbia back when we were first dating (For Kiss Me Kate) but they were doing Sweeny Todd, and I was not in the mood for human pies on my anniversary. In Baltimore they were doing Aida, which is a great show. Of course, we were pleased to have a good meal and lovers who end up being buried in the sands of Egypt. Always a good time.
As is becoming customary here on the blog, that means a collection of photos from start to finish. (We turned off the computers last night so we could spend the night together, so I am a day late!)
Pretending to fight....way back in 06 (October, maybe?)
At the 3 month mark. There was a video that goes with this where our friend interviews us about the future. Funny stuff, but I don't have it.
Beaches in Connecticut can be cold and rainy. Visiting Brad and Jenny/meeting the family for the first time, April 07.
Classyness
We've been to a lot of weddings.
Recent shot, in Annapolis, Sept 09.
Necessary kissing shot.
(Anyone remember me saying I was NOT going to fall in love and stay in Maryland?)
Anyway, we went out on Saturday to celebrate. We hung around the house most of the day, but the celebrations started in early afternoon. We planned to go to a show in Baltimore, so we found a winery north of the city, but not too far. Of course, I was all excited about it by the time we got on the road, but when we arrived, the gate was locked. We could not figure out how to get Melissa and the wine together. So we just left.
That gave us like 2 hours to kill before the show. But we had no tickets yet, so we went to the theater to get them. Of course, we got a little lost since the GPS was only capable of finding the road, not the specific address. But we found it after some crazy loops. Luckily the show was at a hotel, so there was a restaurant, where we had some drinks.
The show as at Toby's Dinner Theater. We'd been to the one in Columbia back when we were first dating (For Kiss Me Kate) but they were doing Sweeny Todd, and I was not in the mood for human pies on my anniversary. In Baltimore they were doing Aida, which is a great show. Of course, we were pleased to have a good meal and lovers who end up being buried in the sands of Egypt. Always a good time.
As is becoming customary here on the blog, that means a collection of photos from start to finish. (We turned off the computers last night so we could spend the night together, so I am a day late!)
Pretending to fight....way back in 06 (October, maybe?)
At the 3 month mark. There was a video that goes with this where our friend interviews us about the future. Funny stuff, but I don't have it.
Beaches in Connecticut can be cold and rainy. Visiting Brad and Jenny/meeting the family for the first time, April 07.
Classyness
We've been to a lot of weddings.
Recent shot, in Annapolis, Sept 09.
Necessary kissing shot.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I need a drink
John is having fun at a work happy hour right now.
I'm trying to not let myself log into my work server and starting editing this chapter.
Our TV is broken.
We have a leaking pipe.
I actually have to go to work tomorrow. I'm usually off on Fridays, though I've been so busy the last few weeks that I have worked about half a day from home. But tomorrow we're having a department lunch and another company meeting so I will be in the office.
I spent about half of my day dealing with photo issues at work...on both of the books I'm working on. And now I kind of want to hit one of my author's over the head with something. Not that I don't feel like that often with this guy, but you know... today was especially bad. The other book was going great until this issue came up.
It's also our anniversary on Tues, so we're celebrating this weekend. But you know who has no definitive plans? Yeah, that's me. I've been too busy to do much planning.
Oh well, after 2:00 tomorrow life will be good. I'm leaving work, getting a massage, swinging by the liquor store for part of John's gift, then kicking off a (hopefully) relaxing weekend.
I'm trying to not let myself log into my work server and starting editing this chapter.
Our TV is broken.
We have a leaking pipe.
I actually have to go to work tomorrow. I'm usually off on Fridays, though I've been so busy the last few weeks that I have worked about half a day from home. But tomorrow we're having a department lunch and another company meeting so I will be in the office.
I spent about half of my day dealing with photo issues at work...on both of the books I'm working on. And now I kind of want to hit one of my author's over the head with something. Not that I don't feel like that often with this guy, but you know... today was especially bad. The other book was going great until this issue came up.
It's also our anniversary on Tues, so we're celebrating this weekend. But you know who has no definitive plans? Yeah, that's me. I've been too busy to do much planning.
Oh well, after 2:00 tomorrow life will be good. I'm leaving work, getting a massage, swinging by the liquor store for part of John's gift, then kicking off a (hopefully) relaxing weekend.
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