Tulips

In the fall I planted what was sure to be a beautiful bed of tulips. Then John and I broke up and I had many moments where I cried over tulips. This was our garden. At our house. Something we built together. and so on. And I was not going to be there in the Spring to enjoy it. Yeah, I do tend to attach my feelings to things.

Anyway, as life turns out, I don't live at the house any more but I still have access to it! It helps having an ex with little motivation to move the rest of our crap out of there. Anyway, long story short, I went and liberated some of my tulips (read-cut some and put them in a vase) so I took pics too. And I didn't cry.

Alexandria!

So, I got a new job...proposal editor. Woot! It's boring stuff, when you get down to it, but it means more money, a new city (Alexandria) and hopefully a new start. I'm of course freaking out about leaving John and having to meet all new people, but ultimately this is a great opportunity to get my life back on track.

Now I just have to find a place to live!

Baby Baths

I have realized, once again how different I am than all my "friends" out here in Maryland. I always just said it was because I was younger then them. That one day I would catch up to the marriage crazy or now, the baby fandom. But I just don't see how that will ever happen. I cannot turn into these people! I believe I have too much common sense.

So yesterday I was with certain friends and their 3 month old was scheduled to have a bath. Mother took forever to get everything ready. A bedtime outfit, new diaper, towel, baby tub in the big tub, wash cloth, the space heater to keep the bath room nice and cozy. Yes, that's right, when the kid gets a bath, they turn on a space heater in the bath room. Now, I guess this makes some sense if there's a blizzard outside and you don't want to turn up the heat in your entire house, but when it's 75 outside and the place is warm?! The kid will do fine in the bathtub without a space heater. Seriously. Now, maybe she took so much time getting ready because I was holding the baby and she didn't feel like she had to rush. But really, it shouldn't be so hard just to give the kid a bath.

I also learned in this adventure that mom had never given baby a bath alone, dad had always been there to help. And she was a little freaked out. And that many books were read in order to learn how to properly bath a baby.

I guess I was just given a great benefit in having little brothers because not knowing how to bath a baby seems so ridiculous to me. I just don't understand it. I try to tell myself this person is a new mom and has never been around babies, but the worrying and all the reading and the calculating of feedings and everything just drove me nuts. In my mind motherhood does not have to be so stressful.

She of course just thinks I am naïve and once I actually become a mom I will be just as crazy. But please, god, let me stay my normal self even when I have a child!

The blue jeans project

I'm apparently writing short pieces about the adventures of blue jeans. I don't know how I feel about this yet, but at least I wrote something. I am worried by the fact that this idea came from John, and that's where my inspiration came from, but I will take the muse in whatever form I can.


Catalina

These jeans are not stained with the blood of baby seals. They were not worn by Catalina or any of her other wildlife activist friends as they lay in Barcelona's Plaza de Catalunya, in front of the Canadian consulate, protesting animal slaughter. They were not the only defense against the sticks that men repeatedly raised and lowered, splitting wood against Catalina’s long, lean legs. They did not absorb her blood as the Seal Saviors reenacted the cruelty done to baby seals every year along the Canadian coast.

These jeans were not worn when sushi feel from Catalina’s mouth into her lap, leaving a stain of soy sauce above her knee. These jeans did not hear the waiter tell her that she had just eaten the baby seals she had fought so hard to save. Or his laugh when he said it was actually whale. Or his apology when he finally admitted it was the very legal and not at all cruel spicy tuna that she had ordered.

These jeans were not torn and then patched after Catalina feel along the seaside. They were not caught in a wire when she first spotted the baby seal sitting on the rock. They did not soak up the sea water as she pulled her camera from her backpack, excited to capture the perfect spots on his miniature head. These jeans were not torn as her foot slipped above the algae as she wound up and pitched a rock in the direction of a sailor obviously intent on harming the innocent creature.

These jeans are not stained with the blood of baby seals.

Some days ya gotta dance

After wanting to go dancing all week, I did. Yay dancing!

Sex and the City

Remember way back before when I wasn't depressed and used to rant a lot about marriage and weddings? Yeah, I got something to say again!

So it's been stewing in me all week. Last Friday I had a nice evening alone so I decided to sit back and relax with a movie. Sex and the City was on sale, I hadn't seen it, and really, it seemed like the thing to do. It made me mad!

I guess it doesn't help that I never liked Carrie to begin with. Still, the show is good. I don't know why, girlfriends talking about sex all the time is fun. Ok, so Carrie and Big finally decide to get married. This should be good right? No! Carrie decides she needs to get married because she and Big decide to move in together. She then proceeds to freak out and get scared about things like "what will happen if he becomes a douche bag and leaves me, and I've given up my apartment and end up stranded?" They've been together 10 years, are perfectly happy, and she starts to freak out. And apparently marriage is the answer. Because then, she'll at least not end up screwed.

Now, I understand there are fears. I just had to give up my house and had to find a new place to live and go through a lot of those awful break up things. And I didn't have a piece of paper to protect me. And yes, I happen to have a great ex who didn't try to screw me over, so I wasn't out on the street as Carrie feared. So maybe I just don't get it. But seriously...if you're so much in love that you're moving in together and are committing to forever, then stop being so scared that the guy is going to screw you over and just be happy! Yes, don't be stupid. Always have enough money to take care of yourself (hell, he could die to ya know) and all that, but marriage is not the answer. Not when you're doing it to protect yourself in case of a break up.

THEN! Then Carrie completely freaks out and the wedding goes from a nice normal wedding to this crazy New York fashion nightmare. And Big freaks out. Because the whole thing is not him, not her, and not them as a couple. Yeah, guys don't always get as into the wedding as the girl. So sometimes they get lost in the shuffle. But I like to believe this can be avoided. No, if he doesn't care about flowers, I'm not gonna make him care. I'm going to pick the ones I like. But if we agreed to 75 guests, I'm not going to suddenly have 200 and not give a damn about my husband's feelings. And Big, he has a point really...a reason to freak out. He doesn't feel like Carrie is acting like herself. She's this other person, not the person he loves. So, I'm not happy that he goes and leaves her at the alter (basically) he could have brought up the problem earlier, but I don't blame him for being upset.

So yeah, I had a hard time watching the movie and feeling bad for Carrie being all "broken-hearted".

And it just made me realize some things. I've been crazy lately-thinking that when I do get into a new relationship that I do want to get married. Because I am scared of getting hurt again. But duh, that's not gonna solve anything! And I'm glad I am looking at things this way again, because it's so much more me, and not crazy me.

And, I don't think there's any reason not to get married if you're really in love. I still may do that. But I want to stand by my feelings on weddings. It should be about you and your partner, not this elaborate show where the love gets lost in details like finding the perfect ribbon or in how much the salmon costs.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I just took some good pain killers since I had a needle stuck in my spine earlier. I'm loopy!

Writing

I have been seriously neglecting my writing for the past few months. I think near mental breakdowns give me good reason, but still. I feel bad. I was going to get so much done this winter! John and I talked a lot about my writing today and I guess that really made me realize that I need to do something. I'm not sure I am ready for writing itself yet. My emotions just aren't in the right place-I'm not the writer who writes every day or as things are happening. I need to really be in a certain state of mind. Plus, I don't know what to work on. This was supposed to be the year of the novel-meaning, I would finish one. But I don't know if that's the best project for me right now. I've been thinking that this break up would best be written as a bunch of vignettes, and I wonder if I need to write some of those before heading back to novel world. Crazy lady who thinks she's destined to murder her husband or the fun taking apart the bed vignette? Who knows! For now, I think I am going to see about submitting some of my poetry and see if that gets me back into the writing world enough that in a few weeks I can actually write.

What do you want?

Warning, do not watch emotion movies, such as The Notebook, when you are already in an emotional state.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

Confused!

Ok I never write on here anymore because I just never have anything to say. Or if I do, I don't want to write it because I'm tired of sounding depressed. It's been a rough few months. But let's just summarize a few things.

Melissa goes on a date with a guy. It goes fantastically. Melissa goes on second date with same guy, it goes great until he kisses her. She realizes he is...weird. Melissa goes on date with new guy, it goes alright. He goes to Germany for work, but they email. They may see each other when he gets back?

Now brace yourself...Melissa goes on what may have been a date, may have just been dinner...may have been all kinds of things, we don't really know... with ex boyfriend...and is now very very confused.

And that's where life stands.

Blizzard 2010

With my current state of mind being trapped in the old place alone or the new place with a stranger during a blizzard was not looking like a good plan. I was during to have a mental breakdown. So I went and stayed with Kathy and Saureen during the storm, knowing full well I'd get stuck there. I'm finally out and back to my own place...though half of my stuff is still at the old house so I keep finding missing things, like I only have one scarf here and it's kind of wet right now. I am in a terrible mood, but know I would have been much worse if I hadn't been with friends the last few days. No on should get this much snow (somewhere between 27 and 38 inches reported...not sure where I fall but it was above my knees...I could have been lost forever!) and we have more on the way.

We had computers and alcohol, so for awhile we were ok being stuck inside.


We found time to cook and bake! Lasagna, gooey butter cake, shrimp creole, shrimp dip (meant for the super bowl party that had to be canceled since the street wasn't plowed)

It was of course beautiful and enjoyable for some time.


Then we realized we had to dig out...and the monster outside was pretty scary.








After shoveling, there was no energy for a full snowman, so we made a face in the mound of snow.