On Parenting

First off, no I'm not pregnant. That's a ways away. But I've been thinking a lot lately about becoming a parent. I've known for a long time that I wanted to be a mom. There may have been small times when I worried about things. The usual, having enough money, finding the right dad, picking the right doctors. I'm terrified of teaching a kid how to drive (that's what dads grandparents, and uncles are for, right? No really...I can't do it). All my worries seemed like normal, healthy concerns, but they never made me question being a mom. I knew I'd get through the struggles somehow. They'd be worth it. Recent events have me freaking out though.

Remember when I said I was having the week from hell? Well that turned into two. And while things are improving, it really shook me up. See, my little brother nearly died. I won't go into details on the blog, but it was horrible. I knew how much it was hurting me, but to see my mom, (ex)step-dad, and my other siblings all suffering was too much. I did a lot with the healthy kids - making sure they were ready when carpool came, helped with homework, gave them extra hugs. And of course spent many hours at the hospital with the sick one. It all just about killed me.

So I've been thinking about how weak and helpless I feel right now. How much crap Mom had to deal with one top of what I was doing. And I just don't think I'm strong enough to be a parent. If I'm barely hanging on right now, how would I handle it if this were my own child? I'm thinking not very well.

Now yes, I'll hopefully get through this and realize I want babies. And all will be right with the world again. But it's freaking me out...I've never questioned my ability to parent, even through hard times. People have had preemies, and autistic kids, bullies, and trouble with school. Never made me waver. A healthy fear, sure, but never this huge uncertainty.