Anxiety as an acknowledged thing has been a part of my life since high school, when I would have panic attacks before I left for the day. I was on anti-anxiety meds for a few years, actually. But looking back I can see a few other instances from when I was younger. Like the time we were on one of our many road trip vacations and I became convinced we were going to crash and made my parents pull over because I thought I was going to pass out. Panic attack! As an adult I've had very few problems - whether I'm more rational in my worries or if I've just learned to cope better, I don't know. Really unless there are big life changes I have gone years without any abnormal anxiety. Flying is the biggest thing that gets me going but I've learned to handle it pretty well.
Recently it's been a huge struggle. The stupidest things will cause my heart to race and my cheeks get flushed. It's a horrible feeling. And my brain will tell you there's nothing wrong but my body still reacts. For example: I get anxious if I know my roommate won't be home when I get there and have gone to the store just to kill time. I get jittery if John's late. I just got a little bit wacky over changing a massage appt. because my therapist is sick. Triggers: loneliness and change in plans
I know it's probably because there have been a lot of life changes. That usually does it. But the life changes are all good, so why can't I just be calm? Moving across the country would be scary. Done that - it was hard. Moving back to Maryland to be with John. Should be awesome! But the whole finding a subletter and all the hassle of a move gets to me. And stress turns to anxiety.
Now John's going hiking for two weeks and I'm all flustered again. Of course part of it will be missing him and worrying that he hasn't fallen off a mountain. That's normal. But getting upset over a change in my routine should not be this hard. I'm happy his plans are finally working out - he's been trying to get this done for a year. But I don't like that I have to deal with the anxiety and not be 100% there for him.
And I'll be trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and going out to meet some new people while he's gone. But that shyness is a post for another day.
2 comments:
I sympathize. I am a routine person, and get flustered when things are off. I love to travel, yet the lack of normalcy gets to me.
I periodically force myself to do things I don't want to in order to shake it up. I’m not sure where you live, but is Meetup active in your city? There's one for practically any activity/hobby you can think of, and it's a good way to meet new people and try new things.
Oddly travel rarely sets me off. I love it so much and like leaving the normal behind. But when many things are normal, like work and grocery shopping, but others are wonky, then I lose it. Not cool.
I've not had good luck with Meetup, but I'm trying it out again since I'll be moving (hopefully) soon. But until I really move it's kind of a pain trying to get to activities in another state, even if it's only an hour away. But I'm going to see what's going on this weekend while John's gone.
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