So, normally I really hate fast food. But every once in awhile I just crave something. Like right now, I seriously need some biscuits from KFC. Just biscuits really. Though, when I go I will probably get cole slaw too. And in discussing this with John, we have decided that KFC also has some ok mashed potatoes, but their gravy is icky. I don't think I could ever eat KFC gravy again. Well, maybe if it meant money or I had to do it to save my life or something. But it's just not good.
Now what is good is my homemade gravy. It makes me a little angry thinking about it, since my dad taught me to make it. I guess something good did come out of him. We always joked that if some day I were to get fat, we could easily blame it on homemade gravy. It's not really good for you- it's grease from fried chicken, a bit of flour, milk, and salt. Yeah, it's downright bad for you. But oh so good. And I really only make it once a year or so, so I think my otherwise healthy lifestyle can handle it.
This has made me really want to make it. But I think I will just eat biscuits and be merry.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Forty-Nine Percent
The feelings in the poem resurfaced yesterday/today, so I figured it was appropriate. I need to do some revising on it, but here's the original version.
Note: My mother is currently in the middle of a nightmare of a divorce. The "you" in this is my three little brothers ( ages 8, 11, 13) who still live at home and have to deal with it.
Forty-Nine Percent
What would you think if I kidnapped
you? If we left your Mom and
your Dad in Missouri and disappeared
together. I look at the scene
that I have left you in, the scene
our parents have written: you’re
all characters in a Shakespearean tragedy
waiting for the inevitable ending—bodies
strewn across a wooden stage. The guilt
I feel for leaving you there lingers
around me like the cold of winter
at the end of February. When the joy
of snow is gone and all you’re left
with is that fucking bitter wind that bites
flesh off your uncovered face. The only
solution I can see is taking you away
before the curtain falls. Before
they have completely forgotten that it is you
they should be fighting for. You. And not
the destruction of one another. Together
we can leave. We can say “Fuck you!”
to your father: the man who makes
us all feel like we are fish in a tank
full of algae, slowly suffocating
in filth. When you come home
from school I will be waiting
to see your tissue paper butterflies,
to kiss your proud smiles and hold
your small exploring hands. Your father
will not be there with his finger pointed
like a sword, ready to poke through
the innocent insect and say
“Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Pop!”
and pronounce your beautiful creation
dead at the scene.
"Fuck you!” to trips to overnight camp
ending with Mom calling the cops
and them meeting her at Quick
Trip where your dad will drop you
off, because he picked you up without
permission and Mom is scared that one day
he really will kidnap you; because forty-nine
percent of kidnappings are committed
by family members of the victims:
mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers,
aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, brothers,
or sisters,
and she's worried he will be the one
to finally take you away, so far she won’t
ever see you again. “Fuck you!”
to the goddamn United States legal
system who listens to every lie
that comes out of his mouth, just because
he is a goddamn Major in the fucking
United States Army. They want to believe
that he is good and honorable and that you
will be safe with him. Because the world
needs heroes and he wears the uniform
that ignorant Americans praise. They would
rather bow down to him and his ridged
rules and regulations then think about
love and commitment. They don’t see
you cry at night, wishing
any of this made sense. Wishing
that you didn’t have to question
if he loves you, if he’ll be there next
week, if he’ll make you feel like
running away, like cutting your wrist.
Wishing that he was still the arms
you remember from years ago. Arms
that held warmth.
What would you say? If I kidnapped
you? What would you think if you knew
I wanted to take you away
and never had the courage?
Note: My mother is currently in the middle of a nightmare of a divorce. The "you" in this is my three little brothers ( ages 8, 11, 13) who still live at home and have to deal with it.
Forty-Nine Percent
What would you think if I kidnapped
you? If we left your Mom and
your Dad in Missouri and disappeared
together. I look at the scene
that I have left you in, the scene
our parents have written: you’re
all characters in a Shakespearean tragedy
waiting for the inevitable ending—bodies
strewn across a wooden stage. The guilt
I feel for leaving you there lingers
around me like the cold of winter
at the end of February. When the joy
of snow is gone and all you’re left
with is that fucking bitter wind that bites
flesh off your uncovered face. The only
solution I can see is taking you away
before the curtain falls. Before
they have completely forgotten that it is you
they should be fighting for. You. And not
the destruction of one another. Together
we can leave. We can say “Fuck you!”
to your father: the man who makes
us all feel like we are fish in a tank
full of algae, slowly suffocating
in filth. When you come home
from school I will be waiting
to see your tissue paper butterflies,
to kiss your proud smiles and hold
your small exploring hands. Your father
will not be there with his finger pointed
like a sword, ready to poke through
the innocent insect and say
“Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Pop!”
and pronounce your beautiful creation
dead at the scene.
"Fuck you!” to trips to overnight camp
ending with Mom calling the cops
and them meeting her at Quick
Trip where your dad will drop you
off, because he picked you up without
permission and Mom is scared that one day
he really will kidnap you; because forty-nine
percent of kidnappings are committed
by family members of the victims:
mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers,
aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, brothers,
or sisters,
and she's worried he will be the one
to finally take you away, so far she won’t
ever see you again. “Fuck you!”
to the goddamn United States legal
system who listens to every lie
that comes out of his mouth, just because
he is a goddamn Major in the fucking
United States Army. They want to believe
that he is good and honorable and that you
will be safe with him. Because the world
needs heroes and he wears the uniform
that ignorant Americans praise. They would
rather bow down to him and his ridged
rules and regulations then think about
love and commitment. They don’t see
you cry at night, wishing
any of this made sense. Wishing
that you didn’t have to question
if he loves you, if he’ll be there next
week, if he’ll make you feel like
running away, like cutting your wrist.
Wishing that he was still the arms
you remember from years ago. Arms
that held warmth.
What would you say? If I kidnapped
you? What would you think if you knew
I wanted to take you away
and never had the courage?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
House of the Rising Sun
We're listening to all kinds of amazing old music here at the house tonight. Everyone else should be doing the same.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Augustana~Boston
So my best friend is thinking about moving to Chicago. She works for a company with office all over the U.S.(and the world, really); her current account is moving to the Chicago office. So she can either move there, or move to a new project in St. Louis. She's always wanted to move to Chicago, but she's having trouble facing the thought of starting all over again in a new city. My recent discussion with her about this potential move brought up this song: about moving and starting over.
It's never been a problem for me moving. I never saw myself staying in St. Louis, even though my family is there. I took baby steps. Moving 4 hours away for college, to Colorado for an internship, and then to Baltimore for grad school. I never really thought much about moving, it always just made the most sense. Although it was hard leaving my family, it was what needed to be done. Not that it was easy; I still got homesick and questioned my decisions, but it all worked out. I mean, I was originally only going to be in Maryland for 3 years-for school. Now I could be here for a really long time. Falling in love changes your plans.
This song is funny cause I was talking about how happy I was I didn't end up going to school in Boston, even though that was always my dream. It's not so appealing now, what with the idiot baseball fans and the huge amounts of snow. Plus I would never have met John if I went there and not Baltimore. Coming to Maryland was not my plan at all, but somewhere along the lines of planning, it just ended up falling into place perfectly. I just had to get up and go.
Sometimes you have to leave things behind and move on. Maybe not be as depressing as this song, but yeah. Life involves change. How ready are we for it? Usually, not very. But I am a firm believer in not letting fear guide you.
Augustana - Boston lyrics
It's never been a problem for me moving. I never saw myself staying in St. Louis, even though my family is there. I took baby steps. Moving 4 hours away for college, to Colorado for an internship, and then to Baltimore for grad school. I never really thought much about moving, it always just made the most sense. Although it was hard leaving my family, it was what needed to be done. Not that it was easy; I still got homesick and questioned my decisions, but it all worked out. I mean, I was originally only going to be in Maryland for 3 years-for school. Now I could be here for a really long time. Falling in love changes your plans.
This song is funny cause I was talking about how happy I was I didn't end up going to school in Boston, even though that was always my dream. It's not so appealing now, what with the idiot baseball fans and the huge amounts of snow. Plus I would never have met John if I went there and not Baltimore. Coming to Maryland was not my plan at all, but somewhere along the lines of planning, it just ended up falling into place perfectly. I just had to get up and go.
Sometimes you have to leave things behind and move on. Maybe not be as depressing as this song, but yeah. Life involves change. How ready are we for it? Usually, not very. But I am a firm believer in not letting fear guide you.
Augustana - Boston lyrics
Sunday, February 17, 2008
K's Log
I think I am drawn to K's Log because of all the pictures. Every time (well, maybe not every time...) there's something new and interesting to visit. I love her most recent post (2 to 5 minute Free Associations...) because of the way the pictures interact with the poem. The first one, with the double doors just amazes me. I think it's how different the two doors are; one looks newer while th other is very worn. But really, neither is that impressive. I am in love with the worn door though. Don't ask why.
My other favorite pic set are the clouds. I have a friend who loves cloud pics so I am often just snapping pics of clouds as well. And in just obsessing for that friend, I have become a watcher of the sky. While I still prefer stars, clouds just draw me in now. It's really not safe to just watch the sky when you're driving, but oh so much more fun. Here's one pic from awhile back, sometime soon after I moved to Maryland...
My other favorite pic set are the clouds. I have a friend who loves cloud pics so I am often just snapping pics of clouds as well. And in just obsessing for that friend, I have become a watcher of the sky. While I still prefer stars, clouds just draw me in now. It's really not safe to just watch the sky when you're driving, but oh so much more fun. Here's one pic from awhile back, sometime soon after I moved to Maryland...
Saturday, February 16, 2008
My Valentine's Rant
Well, I always posted a lovely rant on Valentine's Day when I used to have a blog. But this year things are a bit different... and I was just too out of it to actually post on the day. So this comes a little late and is more of a simple reflection than a rant. Oh well, here goes...
It used to be very easy to hate Valentine's Day. If I was single I could band together with all the other miserable single people and hate a day that was made for people in love. But still, I always knew, and mentioned in my rants, that things wouldn't be a while lot different if I wasn't single.
You see, my real problem with Valentine's Day is that it has become this stereotypical thing you must do. You must give/get a dozen roses, boxes of chocolates, and possibly little candy hearts. It is the most romantic day of the year, so if you're going to propose it'd be a good day to do it. I disagree.
For Valentine's Day I get lilies, not because you have to give flowers and be romantic but because they are one of the things in this world that I don't get every day and that makes me incredibly happy. I'm pretty sure Heaven smells like lilies all the time. Everyone gets roses, and I'm sure some people get lilies too. But I don't get them because everyone else does, but because that is what I want. And no to the chocolate- well the ones that come in those heart shaped boxes. I hate those. And if I was proposed to on Valentine's Day, I would say no.
I guess the thing is that it has become far too cliche. Yes, I celebrate Valentine's Day because it is nice to have a day in the middle of the awfulness of winter to go out and have a good time with my boyfriend. But we make it special in our own way rather that have people tell us what to do.
And about the proposing thing-it should be done in a way that is meaningful to your relationship. Valentine's Day is not inherently romantic. Feb 14 is not a day that just magically has romance floating through the air. You have to create it. So why not do it on a day that is special for you. There will be a lot more magical romance in the air on, for example, the day and location of your first date, than Vday. Unless your first date was on valentine's Day, in which case go right ahead and get engaged.
Ok, that's all I have this year. Vday is cliche, but it is perfectly reasonable to make it special and just be thankful that there are sales on flowers. hehe.
And for the record, this year John did get me my lilies, I got him a book about zombies. And we're going out to dinner some time this weekend. But I had class on Thursday and I've been fighting a cold, so it's just living right now.
It used to be very easy to hate Valentine's Day. If I was single I could band together with all the other miserable single people and hate a day that was made for people in love. But still, I always knew, and mentioned in my rants, that things wouldn't be a while lot different if I wasn't single.
You see, my real problem with Valentine's Day is that it has become this stereotypical thing you must do. You must give/get a dozen roses, boxes of chocolates, and possibly little candy hearts. It is the most romantic day of the year, so if you're going to propose it'd be a good day to do it. I disagree.
For Valentine's Day I get lilies, not because you have to give flowers and be romantic but because they are one of the things in this world that I don't get every day and that makes me incredibly happy. I'm pretty sure Heaven smells like lilies all the time. Everyone gets roses, and I'm sure some people get lilies too. But I don't get them because everyone else does, but because that is what I want. And no to the chocolate- well the ones that come in those heart shaped boxes. I hate those. And if I was proposed to on Valentine's Day, I would say no.
I guess the thing is that it has become far too cliche. Yes, I celebrate Valentine's Day because it is nice to have a day in the middle of the awfulness of winter to go out and have a good time with my boyfriend. But we make it special in our own way rather that have people tell us what to do.
And about the proposing thing-it should be done in a way that is meaningful to your relationship. Valentine's Day is not inherently romantic. Feb 14 is not a day that just magically has romance floating through the air. You have to create it. So why not do it on a day that is special for you. There will be a lot more magical romance in the air on, for example, the day and location of your first date, than Vday. Unless your first date was on valentine's Day, in which case go right ahead and get engaged.
Ok, that's all I have this year. Vday is cliche, but it is perfectly reasonable to make it special and just be thankful that there are sales on flowers. hehe.
And for the record, this year John did get me my lilies, I got him a book about zombies. And we're going out to dinner some time this weekend. But I had class on Thursday and I've been fighting a cold, so it's just living right now.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
My cold lunch room
So today I go to work, start my computer, and go to put my lunch in the fridge/make my morning tea in the break room. It's what I do every morning. But today I was startled by the sub-zero temperature of said break room. Ok, it wasn't sub-zero, but it was very, very cold. This was disturbing given that the rest of the office was just fine. Stepping inside was a total shock. And of course, I had to continue to go back to the break room every time I needed to refill my tea. I was not pleased.
Apparently, the heat in the break room was broken. I did not know it had its own system. That seems odd to me. At 11:00, there was still no heat in there so we were planning on bringing blankets to lunch. But, thank goodness, it was miraculously fixed by the time lunch rolled around.
That really was just the start of my cold day. I can't even talk about the icy roads right now. Who told me it was supposed to be sunny and 45 today?!
Apparently, the heat in the break room was broken. I did not know it had its own system. That seems odd to me. At 11:00, there was still no heat in there so we were planning on bringing blankets to lunch. But, thank goodness, it was miraculously fixed by the time lunch rolled around.
That really was just the start of my cold day. I can't even talk about the icy roads right now. Who told me it was supposed to be sunny and 45 today?!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Those survey things
Actually these really annoy me most of the time. But today I just feel the need. So I went back to my log of emails that people have sent and found one to do. I guess I just really need the break between work and school work, so I'm doing something mindless. Forgive the horridness of surveys.
1. Are you taller than your best friend? Well, I have two but they are both taller than me.
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen? I have a favorite pen, it's not really a type. I'm sure if I got another identical pen it would not be my favorite any more.
3. Look at your planner for March 7th, what are you doing? Nothing!
4. What color are your toe nails usually? maroonish
5. What was the last thing you highlighted? essay for novel workshop
6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom? green
7. What color are the seats in your vehicle? Grey, I think...
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat? No, I hate cats. But my brother has a black and white one.
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on? birthday cards to Mom and Matt
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming ? I don't think so
11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time? Cash for previously mentioned birthday cards
12. Who is the last baby that you held? little Emma...aww
13. Can you spell well? not really
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste? No
15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago? uh I wasn't really driving, unless I was home and then I had the Cavalier
16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators: Gators, for no reason
17. Last time you went to Six Flags? many moons ago
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house? there's a border in one of the bathrooms, but otherwise, no
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow? post-it note
20. Last person you gave a business card? I don't have business cards, so no one
21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to? car payment
22. Closest framed picture to you? none at the moment, but if I were at home and on the computer, there would be one of me and John at Vic and Rachel's wedding
23. Last time you had someone cook for you? well John cooks a lot actually...
25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)? there's no average. today, I had 4, some days there are none.
26. Last time you received flowers? my birthday... but I should be getting some this week
28. Do you play air guitar? No
29. Has anyone ever proposed to you? No
30. Do you take anything in your coffee? cream (or milk) and sugar, unless I am eating it with mint chocolate chip ice cream, then it's best black
31. Do you own any Willow Tree figurines? I don't even know what those are
32. What is/was your high school's mascot? the mighty, mighty Celts!
33. Last person you spoke to from high school? Julie
34. Last time you used hand sanitizer? this afternoon
35. Would you like to learn to play the drums? No
36. What color are the blinds in your living room? white
38. Last thing you read in the newspaper? something about the elections
39. What was the last pageant you attended? I don't know that I have actually ever been to a pageant
40. What is the last place you bought pizza from? Papa Johns
41. Have you ever worn a crown? sure
42. What is the last thing you stapled? lessons at work
43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi? I hate Pepsi
44. Are you ticklish? Yes, very
45. Last time you saw fireworks? New Years
46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut? heaven only knows... it's been some time
47. Last person that im’ed you, and you actually responded? Eric
48. Last time you parked under a carport? I have no idea
49. Do you have a black dog? No
51. Are you an aunt or uncle? Not that I know of. Someone will be in trouble if I am.
52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of? Harrison
53. Last time you saw a semi truck? half an hour ago
54. What is the last song you belted out in the car? pretty much the entire soundtrack of Les Miserables
55. Do you have a little black dress? yes... and I need an excuse to wear it
1. Are you taller than your best friend? Well, I have two but they are both taller than me.
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen? I have a favorite pen, it's not really a type. I'm sure if I got another identical pen it would not be my favorite any more.
3. Look at your planner for March 7th, what are you doing? Nothing!
4. What color are your toe nails usually? maroonish
5. What was the last thing you highlighted? essay for novel workshop
6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom? green
7. What color are the seats in your vehicle? Grey, I think...
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat? No, I hate cats. But my brother has a black and white one.
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on? birthday cards to Mom and Matt
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming ? I don't think so
11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time? Cash for previously mentioned birthday cards
12. Who is the last baby that you held? little Emma...aww
13. Can you spell well? not really
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste? No
15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago? uh I wasn't really driving, unless I was home and then I had the Cavalier
16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators: Gators, for no reason
17. Last time you went to Six Flags? many moons ago
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house? there's a border in one of the bathrooms, but otherwise, no
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow? post-it note
20. Last person you gave a business card? I don't have business cards, so no one
21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to? car payment
22. Closest framed picture to you? none at the moment, but if I were at home and on the computer, there would be one of me and John at Vic and Rachel's wedding
23. Last time you had someone cook for you? well John cooks a lot actually...
25. How many emails do you get in your inbox daily (excluding spam)? there's no average. today, I had 4, some days there are none.
26. Last time you received flowers? my birthday... but I should be getting some this week
28. Do you play air guitar? No
29. Has anyone ever proposed to you? No
30. Do you take anything in your coffee? cream (or milk) and sugar, unless I am eating it with mint chocolate chip ice cream, then it's best black
31. Do you own any Willow Tree figurines? I don't even know what those are
32. What is/was your high school's mascot? the mighty, mighty Celts!
33. Last person you spoke to from high school? Julie
34. Last time you used hand sanitizer? this afternoon
35. Would you like to learn to play the drums? No
36. What color are the blinds in your living room? white
38. Last thing you read in the newspaper? something about the elections
39. What was the last pageant you attended? I don't know that I have actually ever been to a pageant
40. What is the last place you bought pizza from? Papa Johns
41. Have you ever worn a crown? sure
42. What is the last thing you stapled? lessons at work
43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi? I hate Pepsi
44. Are you ticklish? Yes, very
45. Last time you saw fireworks? New Years
46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut? heaven only knows... it's been some time
47. Last person that im’ed you, and you actually responded? Eric
48. Last time you parked under a carport? I have no idea
49. Do you have a black dog? No
51. Are you an aunt or uncle? Not that I know of. Someone will be in trouble if I am.
52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of? Harrison
53. Last time you saw a semi truck? half an hour ago
54. What is the last song you belted out in the car? pretty much the entire soundtrack of Les Miserables
55. Do you have a little black dress? yes... and I need an excuse to wear it
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Tipton Publication
Check out my recent publication in the Tipton Poetry Journal, Winter 08 edition!
http://tiptonpoetryjournal.com/tpj8/tpj_issue8.html
http://tiptonpoetryjournal.com/tpj8/tpj_issue8.html
Friday, February 8, 2008
My dream world needs a snow day
So lately I have been plagued with some really insane dreams. Multiples in one night even. So I wake up very confused and sometimes a little worried. Often I will forget dreams as the day goes on or days later, but this week they just keep happening and keep lingering in my mind. As if I'm supposed to be learning something from them. So here's a glimpse into my subconscious-cause it must be shown once more how wild and crazy I really am.
1. I am trying to convince my boyfriend that it is a tragedy I have not found and dead starfish lying on the beaches of Ocean City. He says there are no starfish in this are of the world. Then I find a man with a giant pan-like you bake a turkey in-filled with starfish. But they are boring and sand-colored, not red and exciting, so I dump them over the man's head and call him a fake.
2. I am trapped in a mini van with my mom, brothers, and a few professors. A cop comes by and tells us we can't park on a gravel lot, but does nothing when we tell him we're trapped. I should mention here that I have no idea why we're trapped. I was perfectly able to open doors and windows, but could not exit the car. Anyway, somewhere in there one professor decides the key to letting us out is to say my mother is a child abuser. I was not pleased. And promised to drop that professor's class. and Sue the university. I really have nothing to say about that one-just wow.
3. John is expecting a visit from his ring designer, (because they make house calls in my dreams?!) but can't get me out of the house. Ends up hiding a prototype for the ring in a glass of water, which I of course find. And I am not pleased. (it was ugly!) So I hide and make him think I'm gone. When the ring designer comes in and they start talking, I bust into the room and flat out tell them it's awful. Ring Designer Lady tries to explain that most of the design is really too far in the process to change, but we could work out a few things. Which leads us to her home where she decides fabric and flowers go on diamond rings, and John feeds the prototype ring to her cat, and we go to a real ring store.
1. I am trying to convince my boyfriend that it is a tragedy I have not found and dead starfish lying on the beaches of Ocean City. He says there are no starfish in this are of the world. Then I find a man with a giant pan-like you bake a turkey in-filled with starfish. But they are boring and sand-colored, not red and exciting, so I dump them over the man's head and call him a fake.
2. I am trapped in a mini van with my mom, brothers, and a few professors. A cop comes by and tells us we can't park on a gravel lot, but does nothing when we tell him we're trapped. I should mention here that I have no idea why we're trapped. I was perfectly able to open doors and windows, but could not exit the car. Anyway, somewhere in there one professor decides the key to letting us out is to say my mother is a child abuser. I was not pleased. And promised to drop that professor's class. and Sue the university. I really have nothing to say about that one-just wow.
3. John is expecting a visit from his ring designer, (because they make house calls in my dreams?!) but can't get me out of the house. Ends up hiding a prototype for the ring in a glass of water, which I of course find. And I am not pleased. (it was ugly!) So I hide and make him think I'm gone. When the ring designer comes in and they start talking, I bust into the room and flat out tell them it's awful. Ring Designer Lady tries to explain that most of the design is really too far in the process to change, but we could work out a few things. Which leads us to her home where she decides fabric and flowers go on diamond rings, and John feeds the prototype ring to her cat, and we go to a real ring store.
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