MIA or just lazy?

I have not written in awhile, mainly because I have not been wanting to write an emo post. I'm tired of emo posts. Seriously, I need to be more positive. But it's been hard. So since last writing, here's some stuff that has happened:

~Mom had a very serious heart attack, the day after her birthday. I went home to take care of her and the brothers. It was exhausting-physically and mentally. I don't think I have recovered from the experience.

~I have started the search for a new roommate. Kelly is moving out when our lease is up. I hope we find someone cool who wants to go hiking.

~I bought cute new hiking shoes. I have not had a chance to try them out and it's making me antsy.

~I planted some seeds so that I can have lots of herbs and salad fixings. Of course I can't plant nearly as much as I want since I don't have a real garden anymore but at least it's something.

~I decided the answer to all of my problems is to be a travel writer or an editor at Backpacker Magazine. For now I will probably settle for subscribing to said magazine and making lame attempts at writing about my hiking excursions. But I'm working on it.

~I stayed home alone while John babysat-so he could try to prove to himself that he would not be making a mistake by having kids with me. I do not know if the mission was successful but it was not a failure either.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today's my mom's 50th Birthday! I'm sad that I am not in St. Louis with her, but hopefully we'll get together in the spring and celebrate appropriately.

Working on the weekend

I have been meaning to write a post about some difficulties I've been having but just can't seem to say what I want so it's still brewing. So you get this rant instead.

I've been really frustrated with my job recently. I've never really felt like I fit in there since I work with a lot of republicans who just golf and work. But I felt my team was ok. Except for the fact that some people think I'm halfway to the looney bin since I love the outdoors. Or they feel the need to talk about how important a large diamond engagement ring is. But this is not really the problem.

Two weeks ago I worked 45 hours in 4 days. I then took off Friday, which was nice. I drove up to John's on Thursday night and had a little extra time with him. Still, worked my ass off. And really, it was for a huge project. An extra 5 years of work for our current St. Louis contract, which is ending. Quite a big deal. Everyone else worked for months on this with tons of long hours. If we win it will be so worth it. And things, though they were time consuming, went smoothly. And at the end the partner-in-charge said he wanted to steal me away and make me a tech writer on the project, since he knows I'm from STL and liked my work. My partner said "you can't just hijack my employees, I found her first." Long story short, it was hard but I felt very appreciated.

This week was slow until all hell broke loose Thursday around 3:30. I was supposed to go to a happy hour but ended up skipping because I was so stressed out and upset. It was a HH for this young ladies club I joined, so I was meeting strangers. If it had been regular happy hour I could have used the drink, but I was not in the mood to meet strangers and be very social. Which sucks because I need to make friends.

Anyway, a lot of stuff happened which basically means I will be working Sunday and probably long hours Monday and Tuesday. I know one thing is really important-actually a revision for the St. Louis proposal that basically means once we submit the requested changes we win it. So very worth it. Everything else, not so worth it. And my problem is none of the overtime is really necessary. But that's a whole other rant. What became the last straw was that I said I would make myself available to work on Sunday. There's enough stuff due in the beginning of the week that I do need to get work done Sun or we'd miss a deadline. We made a plan that seemed pretty reasonable to get all 3 of my proposals out the door by the end of Wednesday. Then as John and I are walking to dinner on Friday night I'm getting these emails basically saying I needed to have everything edited by Sunday morning. NO reason at all that this needed to be the case. So I basically said I was busy until Sunday morning and would get started then as planned. This didn't initially go over well but now I don't even have the file to edit yet so I couldn't have done it today even if I had agreed.

Anyway, long story short, I am willing to work overtime when it needs to happen. I knew that was the nature of the job. But if I make a plan for getting my work done that involves me still getting to enjoy part of my weekend, don't make me feel guilty about saying no to some ridiculous new plan. And don't make stupid new plans for no reason other than certain people are freaking paranoid and suck.

I sooo deserve a raise. And more vacation days.

Also, let me take off a week in June so I can go to Yosemite. And then again in October so I can go...somewhere that is not the United States.

When I went to John's work happy hour this woman gave me her card and said to contact her if I wanted a job. I am thinking about seeing what she has to offer.

Ghost hunting in PA

My brother, sister-in-law, and I went exploring this weekend. We went to the Twin Tunnels, which are supposedly haunted by a guy who hung himself from a wire between the two tunnels. My camera screen got a weird purple streak across it at one point but nothing actually showed up in the picture.

We also tried to find a portal to hell not too far from the tunnels. The gates that used to be there are gone, so this was kind of difficult. I did feel weird as we got close to where it should be though. Perhaps it was just eager anticipation.

With your pain, there is hope.

This is a quote from the show Brothers and Sisters. Not relevant to me today, but it fits well with the roller coaster of the last year. And it's just nice.

There are no shortcuts Sarah, in life or in love. This pain must be felt. The alternative is much worse. It's what makes us special, what makes us beautiful, what, what makes us worthy; the pain of how we love. But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn't it? Hope. With your pain, there is hope. And that is where you are. Somewhere between agony and optimism and prayer. So you're human. You're alive. And that is what we have.

A date?!

"I would like to take you out on a date. You should dress up."

I feel overwhelmed today. Work is busy; I have freelance work to do. And really the only coherent thing I can give you is that the above quote is the best way I can explain my current relationship with John. I have no idea what else is going on in my life at the moment so this blog is lame.

Disappointments

I feel like I could come up with quite a long list of disappointments if I tried. There have been some tough times in my life. But ultimately, I think up until recently I've been able to feel like the people who disappointed me I was actually better off without. I mean really, my stepdad was a huge disappointment but I know that my life is a thousand times better without him in it. So while suffering for years and getting to this realization was not fun, in the end, I'm a better person for it.

Then there are other disappointments that have left people still in my life but in a different capacity. Events have made me realize they aren't best friend of closet family member material. Yet they still have their place. I just know I can only let myself care so much because that person only cares for me in certain ways.

But certain things have made me wonder if I set myself up for disappointment. Or if I am always going to be the one who cares more. My heart is so open and for those that I care about, I really care. There are people that I would drop everything for. And it seems some that feel the same about me. But I keep getting in these situations where I feel like I'm the only one in the relationship who wants to put forth the effort. And I get disappointed when I don't get what I need from the relationship. So am I doomed to always care so much that I will be disappointed when other people aren't putting the same amount of energy into the relationship? Or am I just hanging out with all the wrong people?

*sigh* This post is way too depressing.

‎"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." ~ Henry David Thoreau

Hampton Mansion/Cemetery

Friends and I went to visit Hampton, a historic mansion in Maryland. We got to see the mansion, the cemetery, and the ice house. The angel is my favorite.

Winter Wonderland

Snow and ice around St. Louis.

Heading Home

Despite not seeing John this weekend (stupid guys only weekend!) these last few days have been lovely. Or I'm in a fantastic mood right now because I will soon be back in St. Louis. Whatever. So, a few things:

I love buying gifts. I only buy for my immediate family and Julie and John because that's 9 people including my sister-in-law. And well, I have limited funds. I always have to force myself to stop buying stuff because I have to stick to my budget. But I have like 10 things I want to give And somehow every year when I start shopping I can't think of what to get people. Weird, right? Anyway, I have to buy some jelly beans for the boys (it was on the list) but otherwise everything's finished. This completion required a trip to Bath and Body Works, Kohls, and Target. And let me tell you, it was a mad house everywhere. There's a reason I do most of my shopping online.

I wanted to buy John a zombie teddy bear but couldn't find one. Someone should really make this an easier purchase b/c it's a great idea.

I watched Love Actually over the weekend. Never gets old. I was a crazy crying mess, but in all the good ways. Not my favorite "couple" but this is a nice video and good song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYw8cy7Kz4U

I've been watching Rescue Me lately. It's a pretty good show despite being full of some racist, sexist guys. And there are no good women on the show. I kind of want to strangle them all. But I still like it. Just um, ladies, don't sleep with your ex husband's brother. It makes you look really bitchy.

I was going to write some stuff about family woes and the holidays but I don't even want to get into it. It's all the same stuff and I want my holiday to be peaceful so it's not worth getting into.

Same thing with today's big news, which I'll just write about later.

So yes. Tomorrow is going to be a very slow day at work. It's my last day for the week and I'm giddy with excitement so it's going to be hard to get through. But at 5:00 I will be headed to Baltimore for an evening with John and then getting up at 4am to fly home!! I can't wait to see the fam and my puppy!

This post is not that exciting so here's a great song.