Thank you for the DNA

A few weeks ago I had dinner with my bio dad. To summarize, he left when I was 3 and has barely been around. The last time I saw him was my brother's college graduation in 2009. I think I've gotten a few Merry Christmas texts but almost zero communication. Though I went through the "I want a daddy" years, it's become something I'm ok with. I almost feel like he was just a sperm doner, or I was adopted. He's not my dad and that's never going to change. But we can post on that some other time if anyone cares...

BF (biological father, as we call him) was on the east coast to visit my brother's new baby. He asked if he could drive down and see me and despite my brain saying no, my text said yes. In the end, it was a free dinner so it wasn't bad. But I think next time he may get an answer he doesn't really want. He doesn't get to just step in when fun exciting things happen and act like a father. And if I'm really the strong person I think I am, I will let him know once and for all that I don't want him in my life.

I did not ask John to join us for dinner because BF does not get the privilege of knowing him. But I was nice and did not give the explanation I wanted. I told BF John was rock climbing. "Oh, so rock climbing is more important than dinner with your father-in-law?" Yeah, I basically just said "He had plans before you called, I didn't ask him to change them." and moved on. What I wanted to say was more like this:

First, you will never be his father-in-law. A father is someone who is involved in a child's life. You chose to create three kids and then run off and have another life. You don't get to not pay child support, disappear for years on end, never send even so much as a birthday card, and then jump in as if nothing has happened to "catch up." I've let is slide for years. I invited you to graduations. Sent you a Christmas card. I said yes to this dinner. I let it be ok for you to just come in and out of my life. Why? For a while it was because I wanted a dad. Then I got over that, realizing you never would be, and was just too nice. I didn't want to say all this and make you feel bad. What was I thinking? You deserve to feel bad. I have forgiven you, I've moved on, a dad is not that important. You can give thanks to my grandfather for stepping in and being a positive male role model or I might have not ended up so wonderful. But my forgiveness does not erase the faults...mainly because they never change.

At M's graduation you said you wanted things to be different. Now that we're all adults we could let the past fade away and have a different relationship. We would keep in touch and see each other. 2009-2012. Did that happen? No. Hell, you changed your email and never even told me. So adult or not, you will always be the same. And I will not enable it any more.

I didn't even invite John here tonight. He is my life now. I've built a career and a relationship and you are not a part of it. You don't get to know when I get a promotion or when my pipes burst. You don't get to hear about my adventures or my new puppy (some day!). And you sure as hell will not get the privilege of calling my children your grandchildren. Thank you for the DNA, but this life is not one you get to enjoy. You gave that up a long time ago and your attempts to make up for your sins have been severely lacking.