I feel like I've lost a part of myself this past year. Ok, I've lost a lot in the last year. And I need to remember who I am. But the point is I have barely been blooging and have next next to zero creative writing. I have spurts where I decide to start up again but I just haven't been moved. Hopefully this is not just a spurt and I actually get that part of me back.
Now last week I was pondering signs and omens trying to figure out what the universe was trying to tell me about my life. I am sure I over thought some things, but here is a little ramble for you all. *Names changed cause this may go into my vignette "break-up" book...if I get to writing it. Obviously these are nowhere near finished.
I would be lying if I said it wasn't my idea to go camping that weekend. It'd been on the calendar for a month as a good time to go. The leaves would be changing in the forested mountains and the night air would have that orgasmic chill that I've come to welcome. Then when Jack invited us to camp with him it seemed like a no brainer. After-all, we'd be less likely to get eaten by a bear, all the ones trying to store up for the winter, if Jack and his knife were with us on the mountaintop.
Then, I tried to make a reservation. Just 10 minutes before Tim got to my house that night I sat in front of the computer staring at the words "Site not available...check for next available date?" Should I have taken that as a sign? In hindsight, I can be thankful to whatever supreme being stopped me from paying for a campsite. Forking over money for a trip that will no longer be taken would have made the loss of that trip even more difficult.
***
I finally made him say it. "I was selfish. I let myself have you again but it's not going to last." It was a second ending, one I saw coming this time, but still just as painful. That same night his great grandmother died. When the man you love walks away your heart tries to take over. It tells you he'll come back because love is stronger that his stubbornness. But death. Is. Final. And you know now that this time it's forever.
***
In other non creative sign/creepiness news, there was a guy I went on a few dates with when I first moved to Alexandria. I don't think I gave him a fair shot because of my wild ride with John. After not seeing him all summer, he wrote me an email the week of "break-up" #2.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Random dialogue.
I was going to post this as my facebook status but really didn't want people reading too much into it. So to the blog world it goes...until I figure out what to do with it.
tried to start a new novel... then wanted it to be a poem.... Apparently it is just a dialogue. Regardless, this is as far as I got:
"Well of course all's fair in love. All's fair in war. You know how it goes. It's just that at some point you have to quit acting just because all of your shit is 'fair' and figure out which you're in. It's like the "he loves me, he loves me not" game. Except it's love, war, love, war."
"With flower petals and all that?"
"Yeah, see you get it."
tried to start a new novel... then wanted it to be a poem.... Apparently it is just a dialogue. Regardless, this is as far as I got:
"Well of course all's fair in love. All's fair in war. You know how it goes. It's just that at some point you have to quit acting just because all of your shit is 'fair' and figure out which you're in. It's like the "he loves me, he loves me not" game. Except it's love, war, love, war."
"With flower petals and all that?"
"Yeah, see you get it."
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Busket List
Julie inspired me by not only having a bucket but crossing things off of it. I've always had things in my head, and done some of them, but I imagine actually having a list may help get these things accomplished. Yes, I may have stolen some of these...and it's a work in progress. Can't come up with a whole list in one night.
1. Hike Pike's Peak
2. Go skinny dipping
3. Go to Italy
4. Go to Australia/New Zealand
5. Visit all 50 States
6. Road trip without a particular destination in mind.
7. Go on a week-long backpacking trip, preferably along a good portion of the Appalachian Trail.
8. Hike part of the Appalachian Trail in every state it crosses (part of me wants to just hike the entire thing at once but that can take like 6 months and I am not sure I want to dedicate that much time when there are so many other things to hike. But you never know...)
9. Take a cruise.
10. See Machu Picchu and Mayan ruins.
11. Swim with dolphins
12. Go up in a hot-air balloon.
13. See a show on Broadway.
14. Publish a novel. (well, finish a novel first)
15. Raise a puppy.
16. Have some kids.
17. Hike in the snow.
18. Learn to kayak (coming soon!)
19. Kayak something cool (research is still out on what this should be, but it'll be a good trip)
20.Live abroad for at least 6 months (preferably longer)
21. See the northern lights.
22. Literally have my clothes ripped off my body in the heat of passion, like in the movies. (hey, it was suggested to me and why the heck not)
23. Be kissed in the rain.
24. Go to a World Series game
25. Sex in a tent (I have a lot of sex things in my bucket list, not sure what this says about me.)
26. Learn some dance (probably tango)
27. Go to Walden Pond and read Thoreau while drifting in a canoe. (another internet find, but hell yeah!)
28. Camp in Yosemite
29. Camp in Yellowstone
30. Have a stranger buy me a drink at a bar (I know, how can this have not already happened?!)
31. Candle-light bubble bath with your love
32. Take a poll dancing class (maybe...it's good exercise)
33. Go whale watching
more to come...
Some of the things I have accomplished (to make myself feel good):
Swim in all 5 great lakes
Gamble in Vegas.
See Shakespeare at the Globe Theater.
See Canterbury.
Ride a horse along a beach.
Go white water rafting.
Sleep under the stars.
Go white water rafting.
Visit Mount Rushmore.
Move across the country on my own.
Live on my own (and hated it!).
Kiss a stranger.
Cook a fish I've caught myself
See an opera
1. Hike Pike's Peak
2. Go skinny dipping
3. Go to Italy
4. Go to Australia/New Zealand
5. Visit all 50 States
6. Road trip without a particular destination in mind.
7. Go on a week-long backpacking trip, preferably along a good portion of the Appalachian Trail.
8. Hike part of the Appalachian Trail in every state it crosses (part of me wants to just hike the entire thing at once but that can take like 6 months and I am not sure I want to dedicate that much time when there are so many other things to hike. But you never know...)
9. Take a cruise.
10. See Machu Picchu and Mayan ruins.
11. Swim with dolphins
12. Go up in a hot-air balloon.
13. See a show on Broadway.
14. Publish a novel. (well, finish a novel first)
15. Raise a puppy.
16. Have some kids.
17. Hike in the snow.
18. Learn to kayak (coming soon!)
19. Kayak something cool (research is still out on what this should be, but it'll be a good trip)
20.Live abroad for at least 6 months (preferably longer)
21. See the northern lights.
22. Literally have my clothes ripped off my body in the heat of passion, like in the movies. (hey, it was suggested to me and why the heck not)
23. Be kissed in the rain.
24. Go to a World Series game
25. Sex in a tent (I have a lot of sex things in my bucket list, not sure what this says about me.)
26. Learn some dance (probably tango)
27. Go to Walden Pond and read Thoreau while drifting in a canoe. (another internet find, but hell yeah!)
28. Camp in Yosemite
29. Camp in Yellowstone
30. Have a stranger buy me a drink at a bar (I know, how can this have not already happened?!)
31. Candle-light bubble bath with your love
32. Take a poll dancing class (maybe...it's good exercise)
33. Go whale watching
more to come...
Some of the things I have accomplished (to make myself feel good):
Swim in all 5 great lakes
Gamble in Vegas.
See Shakespeare at the Globe Theater.
See Canterbury.
Ride a horse along a beach.
Go white water rafting.
Sleep under the stars.
Go white water rafting.
Visit Mount Rushmore.
Move across the country on my own.
Live on my own (and hated it!).
Kiss a stranger.
Cook a fish I've caught myself
See an opera
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Jabba
I'm not going to say anything except I meant to post this weeks ago when it happened. But yeah, just make up your own story behind this.
Edit: If you didn't click the image to make it bigger, the white box on the left says "Sandwich". It helps move the story along to have captions.
Edit: If you didn't click the image to make it bigger, the white box on the left says "Sandwich". It helps move the story along to have captions.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Baby Problems from Grey's Anatomy
Of course Youtube cannot provide the perfect combination of clips but bear with me. This, right here, is reason enough to make me regret ever watching Grey's Anatomy (not that I don't already hate my inability to stop watching). I have been crazy this entire season because of one story line. I'm sure you all will understand why if you watch. Close to home is an understatement. Of course this story ends happily and I...well wait for another post this week. I may have a lot to say on the matter if I get a few minutes.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Engagement rings
Just an FYI to all...you may want to remember this and tell my future boyfriend if he's ever about to propose.
I read an article recently about a woman who refuses to give back an engagement ring after the wedding was called off. It made news because it was a crazy expensive ring. Everyone's pissed at the woman because apparently engagement rings are a contract for marriage. If the marriage isn't happening, the contract is no longer valid, and therefore she should give it back.
So everyone knows, I will never give a ring back. Hopefully I will never accept a ring from someone I don't actually marry, but just go with me. I also may end up with a ring and not actually get legally wed. I don't really care if tradition calls a ring a contract. I think that's the most unromantic way to look at the situation. I may toss it in the ocean or something crazy like that, but I consider it mine to do with as I please. It is not my finace's property that's on loan to me until I follow through on some promise.
Here's how I see it. Man decides he wants to marry girl. Man gives girl a gift (the ring) to symbolize that he loves her enough to promise himself to her forever. It's not a gift saying hey, I'm gonna give you this ring so you have to give yourself to me forever. That sounds too much like a man buying a guaranteed lay or something ridiculous like that. I know many people still look at marriage in this way, but I refuse to.
So yeah, if someone gives me a gift, I'm not giving it back, even if that person is no longer in my life. I have gifts from my father but I didn't burn them or give them back just because he and I don't speak. Same goes for an engagement ring. I won't wear it anymore, obviously, but it meant something to me at some time, so I would want to hang on to it.
I also think the woman should give a man a gift upon an engagement. It may not be a ring, since guys don't really like them usually. But if he's saying "Here's this gift, love me forever" she should respond with "Ok, love me forever too, here's a nice watch (or whatever). I realize this is pretty much what wedding rings are for, but if the guy does something at the engagement, why doesn't the woman? In this same vain, if a girl doesn't want a diamond ring, any other gift is acceptable.
I read an article recently about a woman who refuses to give back an engagement ring after the wedding was called off. It made news because it was a crazy expensive ring. Everyone's pissed at the woman because apparently engagement rings are a contract for marriage. If the marriage isn't happening, the contract is no longer valid, and therefore she should give it back.
So everyone knows, I will never give a ring back. Hopefully I will never accept a ring from someone I don't actually marry, but just go with me. I also may end up with a ring and not actually get legally wed. I don't really care if tradition calls a ring a contract. I think that's the most unromantic way to look at the situation. I may toss it in the ocean or something crazy like that, but I consider it mine to do with as I please. It is not my finace's property that's on loan to me until I follow through on some promise.
Here's how I see it. Man decides he wants to marry girl. Man gives girl a gift (the ring) to symbolize that he loves her enough to promise himself to her forever. It's not a gift saying hey, I'm gonna give you this ring so you have to give yourself to me forever. That sounds too much like a man buying a guaranteed lay or something ridiculous like that. I know many people still look at marriage in this way, but I refuse to.
So yeah, if someone gives me a gift, I'm not giving it back, even if that person is no longer in my life. I have gifts from my father but I didn't burn them or give them back just because he and I don't speak. Same goes for an engagement ring. I won't wear it anymore, obviously, but it meant something to me at some time, so I would want to hang on to it.
I also think the woman should give a man a gift upon an engagement. It may not be a ring, since guys don't really like them usually. But if he's saying "Here's this gift, love me forever" she should respond with "Ok, love me forever too, here's a nice watch (or whatever). I realize this is pretty much what wedding rings are for, but if the guy does something at the engagement, why doesn't the woman? In this same vain, if a girl doesn't want a diamond ring, any other gift is acceptable.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Big Move
I feel like such a nomad!
Wait, let's back up. So I had my last day of work at W&N then left the next morning for St. Louis. I may not get a vacation for awhile, so I took the time to visit the family. Here's what went down there:
~Grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary party. Saw people I didn't want to see, but the grandparents were happy I surprised them, so that makes it worth it. And my aunt and I snuck out to the car and had some wine tailgate style. It was like we were high school students sneeking out for a cigarette or something. So funny!
~Tornado warnings meant I hung out in the basement for awhile, but the house did not blow away.
~Went fishing with Connor and Harrison, in the rain. We got very wet and didn't catch anything. Well, Connor almost caught a duck. A duck in a group of 3 guy ducks chasing one girl duck.
~Saw a great Italian movie with Julie. I cried! Especially at the part where they played "Goodbye My Lover" (James Blunt) cause, well... you can figure that one out. Still, good movie.
~Had a wine from Hawaii that was made from pineapples. It may have been this Maui Blanc but I forgot the name for sure. Good stuff.
~Had a family dinner that included a toast to my leaving Maryland, complete with Maryland wine. I love the St. Michael's Long Splice!
~Saw Matt's new place and stole a bunch of the Cascade he does tests on in the lab. I will have dish soap for awhile now.
~Bought some Missouri wine
~Got stuck at the airport for an extra hour, which felt like 5.
Then I came home, went to see Baby Cameron (and got John to come over to see him and hang...he even held him) and said goodbye to Kathy and Saureen.
Finished packing.
Went hiking with John at Patapso "one last time."
Moved to Alexandria!
The move was very hot, but it got done. Then, I thought I was going to be staying at John's Saturday night and driving back down to VA with my car and the last few things I had in MD on Sunday. But he was trying to make other plans (to visit a friend in Alexandria!) so he just dropped me off and said goodbye ("forever"). So I pack up my car by myself and leave for VA all alone and sad. Then he calls and says his plans fell through, so I ended up back in Baltimore after all!
We had a good night of beer then said goodbye on Sunday for real. Terribly sad, I won't go into it.
Last night was really hard, it being my first night here. I was lonely even though my roomies are really nice (one was at work, so that didn't help). But I was also really excited about the whole new life I have ahead of me. I really just don't do well adjusting to new things. I've decided the last few days have been part of some "moving bi-polar disorder". I go from happy to depressed with the flip of a switch.
So today was the first day of the new job. All orientation, no real work. So we'll see how I feel tomorrow when I'm suddenly busy. I met a lot of cool people who will hopefully help me be social. The girl in the cube next to me is actually from Missouri! We talked about gooey butter cake and she knew that Truman is the Harvard of the Midwest! Made me less homesick. Or more?
Anyway, I need to maybe unpack another box...or watch TV and sleep. So that's enough for now.
Wait, let's back up. So I had my last day of work at W&N then left the next morning for St. Louis. I may not get a vacation for awhile, so I took the time to visit the family. Here's what went down there:
~Grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary party. Saw people I didn't want to see, but the grandparents were happy I surprised them, so that makes it worth it. And my aunt and I snuck out to the car and had some wine tailgate style. It was like we were high school students sneeking out for a cigarette or something. So funny!
~Tornado warnings meant I hung out in the basement for awhile, but the house did not blow away.
~Went fishing with Connor and Harrison, in the rain. We got very wet and didn't catch anything. Well, Connor almost caught a duck. A duck in a group of 3 guy ducks chasing one girl duck.
~Saw a great Italian movie with Julie. I cried! Especially at the part where they played "Goodbye My Lover" (James Blunt) cause, well... you can figure that one out. Still, good movie.
~Had a wine from Hawaii that was made from pineapples. It may have been this Maui Blanc but I forgot the name for sure. Good stuff.
~Had a family dinner that included a toast to my leaving Maryland, complete with Maryland wine. I love the St. Michael's Long Splice!
~Saw Matt's new place and stole a bunch of the Cascade he does tests on in the lab. I will have dish soap for awhile now.
~Bought some Missouri wine
~Got stuck at the airport for an extra hour, which felt like 5.
Then I came home, went to see Baby Cameron (and got John to come over to see him and hang...he even held him) and said goodbye to Kathy and Saureen.
Finished packing.
Went hiking with John at Patapso "one last time."
Moved to Alexandria!
The move was very hot, but it got done. Then, I thought I was going to be staying at John's Saturday night and driving back down to VA with my car and the last few things I had in MD on Sunday. But he was trying to make other plans (to visit a friend in Alexandria!) so he just dropped me off and said goodbye ("forever"). So I pack up my car by myself and leave for VA all alone and sad. Then he calls and says his plans fell through, so I ended up back in Baltimore after all!
We had a good night of beer then said goodbye on Sunday for real. Terribly sad, I won't go into it.
Last night was really hard, it being my first night here. I was lonely even though my roomies are really nice (one was at work, so that didn't help). But I was also really excited about the whole new life I have ahead of me. I really just don't do well adjusting to new things. I've decided the last few days have been part of some "moving bi-polar disorder". I go from happy to depressed with the flip of a switch.
So today was the first day of the new job. All orientation, no real work. So we'll see how I feel tomorrow when I'm suddenly busy. I met a lot of cool people who will hopefully help me be social. The girl in the cube next to me is actually from Missouri! We talked about gooey butter cake and she knew that Truman is the Harvard of the Midwest! Made me less homesick. Or more?
Anyway, I need to maybe unpack another box...or watch TV and sleep. So that's enough for now.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tulips
In the fall I planted what was sure to be a beautiful bed of tulips. Then John and I broke up and I had many moments where I cried over tulips. This was our garden. At our house. Something we built together. and so on. And I was not going to be there in the Spring to enjoy it. Yeah, I do tend to attach my feelings to things.
Anyway, as life turns out, I don't live at the house any more but I still have access to it! It helps having an ex with little motivation to move the rest of our crap out of there. Anyway, long story short, I went and liberated some of my tulips (read-cut some and put them in a vase) so I took pics too. And I didn't cry.
Anyway, as life turns out, I don't live at the house any more but I still have access to it! It helps having an ex with little motivation to move the rest of our crap out of there. Anyway, long story short, I went and liberated some of my tulips (read-cut some and put them in a vase) so I took pics too. And I didn't cry.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Alexandria!
So, I got a new job...proposal editor. Woot! It's boring stuff, when you get down to it, but it means more money, a new city (Alexandria) and hopefully a new start. I'm of course freaking out about leaving John and having to meet all new people, but ultimately this is a great opportunity to get my life back on track.
Now I just have to find a place to live!
Now I just have to find a place to live!
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